This just in: New Yorkers re-instituted slavery and started another civil war as a result. Update: Apparently, the war is over, according to Vladamir Putin. I guess that's who we were fighting? I don't really know, but I think everybody stopped shooting each other, as far as I can tell... Update: Apparently, Silicon Valley embezzled the planet and murdered everybody to cover it up; then, they framed most people they couldn't murder. If you can call that a war, I guess that's what it was... It looked more like butchering civilians and taking their bank accounts to me. Update: Both East and West were fighting "Elon Musk," whatever that is, apparently...

This just in: Another "Black Hitler" siting was reported on the East coast of North America early this evening. Eyewitness News™ is still honing in on the precise location.

This just in: San Francisco is having a concentration camp contest with New York City. All of the people they have robbed (so many -- so, so many) are revolting and bum rushing them on foot as we speak.

This just in: The European Union no longer acknowledges the existence of The USA.

This just in: A concerted effort to make "Calypso" -- the male villain from DC Universe who was well-known for ensorcelling Wonder Girl (not Wonder Woman -- those are actually two different characters) and Super Girl -- disappear from the internet has been discovered this afternoon. Red alerts are flashing all over planet Earf this Black Friday, 2024.

Bizzaro Superman has endoctrinated North America into some sort of Bizzaro World...

The axis powers of World War 3, aka BRI(C)S, (China seems undecided), are losing hope. Their KKK hoods are all getting tossed into the dumpster to get burned by Ken Paxton's staff members in the alley behind his office. People are getting really sick of sellouts during World War 3. You might as well leave North America. If you want to "work" for Italians and Russians so badly, why don't you just move there. Their new Warsaw Pact is out in the open. They speak about it openly. This isn't "my" war as much as it is "yours," the way I see it. They want what you have. I don't really have much, if anything.

Since Al Gore was dumb enough to claim he invented the internet, we'll just have to kick him around. We need someone to blame for Internet Jail Land™. There is no escape...

This just in: Someone spilled the tea/beans and told Bangladeshis the future, and now they want to destroy us. Please stop telling other countries stuff like that. This is exactly why this happens. Better yet, stop trying to predict the future -- you suck at it. It's not just you -- everybody sucks at it. Why? Because the future cannot be changed. This is chapter 1 of graduate-level quantum mechanics sort of stuff... At the end of World War 1, people decided preemptively striking another nation without "eminent threat" would be frowned upon by the newly-formed United Nations. This is why. Please give this to the smart people, aka the physics community, in your country, and have them read it, until they understand. Then, stop doing that, please.

The Terminator movies are actually kind of a bad example. By striking against a population preemptively, before they have antagonized you and before they have become any kind of threat, you inevitably make them angry. Then, they retaliate. By attempting to prevent that event, you have actually converged upon that possibility such that it has a 100% probability of occurring. In actuality, by reading the measurement which divined this information, you have converged on that probability. This is a fundamental tenet of quantum mechanics. See Sakurai, chapter 1.

This just in: The rate of Middle Eastern immigrants saying, "we never should have come here" is accelerating.

This just in: The USA and Mexico finally found out whodunnit. Universal Music Group stepped right into a trap of epic proportion. Incidentally, Mike Hunt [get it?], the Republican nominee for Mayor of Corpus Christi who is in the middle of a runoff election, is rumored to be intricately involved in Universal Music Group's operations. No one is certain which country Universal is based out of, but they are rumored to enjoy heroin and hookers in The Netherlands. Why they have allied with their competitor Bob Iger is anybody's guess. Restitution liens incoming.

This just in: Several Iraqi boy bands invaded North America several years ago, resulting in World War 3. World War 3 participants have decided to host a bowl game in what used to be Iraq. Iraqis are people too -- they just happened to be people we have been waging war against since the early 1990s. Sometimes they wage war back; they just don't have tanks and planes, really. They don't like us very much, if you haven't noticed. Democrats have declined to comment on the carnage.

This just in: European Jam Land has accused Indie Jam Land™ of being too "independent." Drizz't Do'Urden disagreed with that assessment and cited The Communist Manifesto, regarding their behavioral problems.

This just in: The ginger community has broken into warring factions. The Irish have accused the unidentifiable gingers as being "Syrian War Rebels." Some reports claim that miscellaneous gingers have been seen consorting with Bosnian Serb war rebels... Rebel scum...

This just in: People have their own problems: no one cares about The Middle East anymore. We refine everything everywhere already. Please stop trying to recruit allies in other parts of the world, and stay put. I will not reach out to Jews, if you do not reach out to Arabs/Persians. Good talk.

Do we welcome Albania, Northern Macedonia (Fyrom), Moldova, and Kosovo to the global community, or do we disdain them? I wouldn't mind having my own country, if they are handing them out right now. Why is The West going broke while Ukraine is getting enormous? What the hell do we get out of it? If anything, I see more and more communism every single day.

What's up with the look-a-like clubs in everybody's towns? Are they Russians or Ukrainians? Were they cloning people in Ukraine? What was the fuss about with all of the "designer babies" in Ukraine 10 years ago? Cloning and look-a-liking people out of existence is communism, as far as I'm concerned. I'm anti-communist, no matter which side of which border they are on.

Fun fact: Asian (major and minor) countries have citizens [and soldiers] of all different ethnicities. The space race is that dirty, folks. You heard it first here. Ask the old timers from the old days at NASA.

This just in: Oklahoma has just learned of Texas getting invaded by Russian Cosmonauts. They have decided to cease their eternal feud with Texas, with exception to the Cotton Bowl each year. "These people" claim to be from "up north," or "near the Oklahoma border," or "near the Canadian Border." They are all liars. If you don't know anyone they know, they are not from around these parts...

This just in: The IRA (a well-known terrorist organization) thinks they enjoy the same luxuries in North America as North Americans do. This is why we don't sell them plane tickets, historically...

To pose a rhetorical question: Why do non-Texans wish to get elected in Texas politics, if they are indeed NOT hostile foreign invaders. Would it not be more prudent to wait until your sons come of age?

Throwback news from 1992: The justification for Operation Desert Storm was Iraq's usage of Biochemical warfare. Nobody cared that we messed them up, because that kind of thing is [still] considered that scummy by the global community. Warriors earn the title by killing foes who fight back. Murderers do not.

Maybe we can sign a petition to the lord God to make an Eleventh Commandment, "thou shalt not hack."

This stupid war is getting older than Reba McEntire... Here is a plan to end it already, quickly and painlessly -- for us, anyway.

Be careful about those overseas dopplegangers. Don't mistake this for a Biden endorsement.

Just throw away the key. He sets such a bad example by hiring Iraqi mercenaries. His stupid followers think cooking the books and hiring Iraqi mercenaries is a good idea?

Apparently, the USA has it's own reasons for getting involved in disputes with Iran. Strategically, it makes sense to ally with Israel:

Like it or not, I'm in the middle of this international situation, and as a citizen of The USA, I felt it to be my personal responsibility to attempt to address and resolve any hostilities which may have developed between my country and Brazil as a result of my visit. Please, someone send this to Brazilians.

Someone, send this to the Sultan of Turkey, please.

Come back later please.

Stop being squeamish, please. They took over England, and now they are after us. It's revenge to them. They hate us. Don't take their bribes. Download here, or stream below:

WWIII in a nutshell (part 2) -- the diversity and big money from Hollywood to Silicon Valley has been spouting out their own propaganda which jeopardizes global alliances. Manufacturing their own illusory reality is contrary to not only the agenda of our allies but to the agenda of our enemies. Download my firsthand account (part 2)

Or, stream here:

WWIII in a nutshell -- my firsthand account

Or, stream here:

Here's my Bob Iger impersonation (by the way, I usually like Marvel movies, but that one wasn't very good):

Maybe you played some mafia video game or saw a movie... That is called propaganda... The truth is that the mafia is not your friend.

News you can use™...