This just in: New York City in cahoots with Tennessee cancelled Christmas for the 9999999th year in a row.

Tim Burton has planned his own twisted version of Noah's Ark inspired by Mark Zuckerberg's scorched Earf.

Coming to theatres, summer 2025: "Your favorite slave-boy escapes North America..."

Word of the day -- Charlatan -- Someone who lacks a certain skillset yet plays pretend for a living outside of the field of entertainment. Synonyms: fraud, crook, imposter, street actor.

Enemies of America dump money all over charlatans, because putting them in positions of wealth, power, or authority is bad for America and good for them. It's the easiest way for them to wage a trade war with us without even trying.

When all of your sentences start out as "I was trying to pretend that..." or "I was supposed to..." or "The government this/that..." or "He wasn't supposed to..." you might want to work on personal growth. I wouldn't call people out, but it's getting old. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all ought to be your mantra until the end of the year. I'll play along too. I'll stop being a jerk too. We'll make New Year's resolutions later. Please try not to ruin everybody's holidays. Thanks, folks.

It's one of those Thanksgivings, folks -- cobra stories flying around North America...

This just in: Shaky leg syndrome has been declassified as a medical condition. It is now, "get on the damn treadmill, fatass."

This just in: Melissa McCarthy is after Jason Bateman again in "Identity Thief, the Reality Show." Melissa McCarthy is played by some blonde chick, if I'm not mistaken -- maybe she is brunette. There might be like 20 or 30 of them, as far as I'm concerned, and I'm feeling pretty Jason Bateman right about now. Maybe they're just shy.

Fun fact: Humble pie doesn't always taste so good. The slices divied out in NYC were appropriate. Earflings may start serving slices in the Austin, TX area, before this is finished.

Fun fact: You ain't no holler back girl is why you aren't my girlfriend right now.

Happy Thanksgiving from Eyewitness-News™. If you invited Bollywoo to North America, you ought to invite them to Thanksgiving Dinner, because they apparently aren't understanding how important this holiday is to North America. If you're going to invite foreigners here, please introduce our culture to them. Have a great holiday

This just in: Middle Easterners are buying one-way plane tickets home for the holidays.

DJ Bologna Farmer crash landed in Miami, when he first arrived in North America from Iraq. If he is going to spring break in North America, he ought to do it in South Florida. There's too much trouble down here in South Texas already. The last thing we need to do is welcome outsiders right now.

Bollywoo, aka "Elon Musk," seems to think sabotaging electronics remotely with SpaceX is the "American Dream."

Trey Stone and Matt Parker apparently thought this would just "go away" on its own, even though people have reminded them that they messed with way too many people over the years. They must defend their honor on their own ridiculous cartoon show. We're even going to need to hear some farts (with witnesses) to confirm virgin buttholes. They have delayed too long, and the situation has escalated. No one cares whom they were "working for." We need them to defend their honor or we're going to have to mess with them forever. step out of the public eye. I changed that to sound non-threatening. This is supposed to be funny and appropriate...

This just in: M. Night Shyamalan is producing "Indian Boys on the Run," which is scheduled for release sometime in mid-2025. He claims the "realism" will "blow you away." Bollywoo pulled out all the stops for this one...

Fun fact: A rumor about the future can often turn into a cool movie idea.

This just in: Eyewitness-News™ has decided to secure an interview with Brittany Spears sometime in 2025 -- a real interview, face-to-face. People need to know things -- they are dying to know. Update: An unknown hambone-personality-type is outraged for some unknown reason. Brittany has declined to comment at this time. We'll track her down, eventually. Update: I would like to apologize to Brittney fans. I had no idea she had committed suicide a few years ago. I am so sorry, if I stirred up old emotions. I don't actually know her or really anything about her -- I just heard a rumor which concerned me.

Fun fact: America was not always a gay country. Anal-retentive-personality-types have recruited Cheetah-Girls to race with Light-Speed-Girls to see who are faster. Desperate times call for desperate measures...

In other news:

Explanation: I'm a big GRRM fan, and I didn't get to visit Meow Wolf last time I was in Santa Fe. That stupid Judge Neurock was trying to cover up how some of the neighbors were saying that one of my newest projects looked like it belonged in Meow Wolf. This is after that Judge (with a conflict of interest) threw out my lawsuit, which was World War 3 in my eyes. The judge looks halfway somewhat similar to GRRM, and I thought it was funny -- which it was, if you knew what was going on, but anybody far away probably didn't. The end. Reports of a pantomimed gunfight were exaggerated.

This just in: the Tickle-me-Elmos are backordered so drastically, you have to give me your house and your first born to get one.

This just in: Mark Zuckerberg has gone MIA. Rumor has it, he has taken a step back from the limelight, due to degenerative communist syndrome. There is a $0.47 reward on his current whereabouts and condition, just to meme further on bounty culture and Mark Zuckerberg's destruction of western society. Look at his eyes -- it looks like he does pills or something. I bet bad pills are his worst nightmare. Update: Westerners have decided that they want to keep Mark Zuckerberg alive (so they can sue him more easily), so they need to arrest him and/or admit him to rehab.

Fun fact: Veni, Vidi, Vici means "I came, I saw, I conquered." Next time you get mad at one of your friends, remember if a divide-and-conquer-personality-type was there that day.

This just in: Irate fans have decreed that Grifty-for-a-Living must sit around and eat for a year and a half before she will be allowed to steal any more identities.

This just in: New reports indicate "Elon Musk's" tranny-boys are too young to be snapchatting with him...

This just in: The Tay Peeper cultists have hidden back into shadow until Jimmy Carter gets re-elected.

Throwback news from 1993: "It can't rain all the time..."

Somebody take Jack Andrews down off of the crucifix they put him on. The crooked courthouse conspiracy club threw the lawsuit out, so Jack was sacrificed for no reason. This is far from over, however.

USPTO employees are even lower lifeforms.

Fun Fact: 11.1% of business school graduates from Stanford end up in prison.

Fun Fact: 77.7% of law school students in North America think everybody is a piece-of-shit-communist-for-a-living and are only going to law school to sue them all.
Source: polling from polldaddy™

Sometime in 2026, Prometheus-Studios™ is going to premier a show entitled, "Uncle Donny™," about Donald Trump at twenty years old.

This just in: After analyzing the footage, J Peerless™ Was a Carpenter has at least 4 seasons planned.

If you are offended, I would like to point out that that was a general statement and not directed at anyone in particular.

Nobody knows why you're confused, but allow Nemo to elaborate... Gay people like "Elon Musk" blame their gayness on straight people, so they can actually work. The more prominent of a person they pin their gayboy behavior on, the better their career turns out. Gay people are actually that diabolical. Before you say, "takes one to know one," understand that they have been trying to patsy their gayboy lifestyle choices on me for a very long time -- that's how I know their game. I don't actually want anything to do with them.

This just in: Trey Parker and Matt Stone are rumored to be making an appearance on South Park to defend their honor...

This just in: Women need to work on their pickup lines, if they do not wish to be confused with hookers and scam artists. If they are hookers, indeed, then they need to work on their advertising campaigns.

Check out where Astronaut Training™ is headed in the future of humanity.

Since you're all too stupid to mail me checks for the money you owe me, just mail me gold bricks off of my Amazon wish list.

Here are some lawyer jokes for litigation attorneys to chew on, until they get their sh*t together...

How do you know who I am?

Dear ladies, if a man isn't interested, get over it. Please allow him to date whom HE wants. Surely, there is a mutual match or several out there. Attraction is fickle. I get turned down ALL THE TIME. Also, I shoot women down all the time. Welcome to single life.

As you can see from "Cookin N Texas" TikTokers aren't my friends. I don't even know any of them. See how it turns out, when I invite TikTokers:

My lawsuit is becoming less and less dangerous every day:

I've been posting some playthroughs and pvp fights on Hatorade Games™

Silicon Valley hasn't been acting very American lately. So... give them the CHEESEBURGER TEST. Or, stream below:

Are you good or evil (part 2), click HERE TO FIND OUT. Or, stream below:

This is what it's all about:

Happy Valentine's Day, tomorrow, Corpus Christi, Texas...

What will it take for me to go out? That's what they asked me...

Facebook bit it, hook line and sinker. Don't be sad -- your businesses will be fine.

Just take it... Don't help them with their destructive campaign...