This just in: Taylor Swift has a $4 million bounty for skipping bail somewhere near the Dakotas...

This just in: Oprah Winfrey was just wired a large sum of cash for unknown reasons. Details can no longer be confirmed at this time, however, someone talked her into BBQing me the other day for no reason.

Despite demand, Eyewitness-News™ is not going to change its name to "The Daily Planet."

This just in: The Guinness Book of World Records just got a hot tip about the number of drive-bys at Elton John's house. Apparently, people have planned more drive-bys than anyone has ever heard of in the history of drive-bys. Rumor has it that this is some sort of "reprisal," which is supposedly inadmissable in a courtroom. Apparently, he did that a lot to people, and they found out, and now they're mad about it.

Kouri Richens was convicted today on all counts for murdering her deceased husband. In other news, Faces of Death director, Tillman Fertitta, released some really shocking footage that resurfaced today.

Helpful tip: Buy a big bag of rice and go away. You'll always have food, and you can take your time looking for an actual job.

A contagious irrational fear of heterosexual behavior has infected The USA, debilitating those affected so badly that they have become disabled and can no longer contribute to society. They seek ridiculous gigs on facebook racketplace to compensate for loss of income, due to their disability, even though the app died a few years ago. Many have become what citizens have colloquially called "street actors."

This just in from our new female correspondent: Keep your penis clean, and prevent dick cancer. Wash your hands before going to the urinal after handling anything hazardous.

This just in: Apparently, the rumors about The Jonas Brothers in South Texas were unfounded.

This just in: Hatorade Games™ has announced an upcoming auction for a 1985 gold edition "Legend of Zelda." Details are limited at this time, but a video of the NES with the gold Zelda cartridge playing on a TV was released on March 6th, 2026. He claims the game cartridge is highly valuable and extremely rare. It may be the only one left in working condition.

This just in: MTV finally dropped "Jersey Shore." I didn't know that show had been on the past 15 years or so. Now, if we could only get the Jersey kids off of Texas shores, we might be making some real headway.

Eyewitness-News™ has partnered with Indie Jam Land,™ Prometheus-Studios,™ and N-Dimensional Engineering™ to invite you to participate in this extremely brief survey.

This just in: The sequel to "The Greatest Game" has been canceled in favor of a sequel to "The Great Gatsby."

This just in: "Fool's Rush In 2" was canceled in favor of "Landlord Lover Land -- Test the Ice Edition." The plot is actually about a plot, where you rent a hook-up for your motorhome.

This just in: Captain Kangaroo, a notorious Australian pirate, was seen in The Rocky Mountains recently, somewhere in Colorado. His fugitive status nonwithstanding, he must be stopped. Somebody call Reno 911.

This just in: This morning, there was an earthquake at cereal industry headquarters, registering 8.9 on The Richter Scale.

This just in: "The phone company" doesn't like being called "the phone company" anymore. They're super sensitive about it. Snowflake them to pieces for me.

There goes the neighborhood: Lucifer, Inc is running things in San Antonio, Texas, nowadays. You might as well pack your things.

This just in: The music bidness teamed up with Jehova's Witnesses in Corpus Christi, Texas. You thought the bible thumpers were your worst nightmare, but no, now you have shootouts on the front lawn.

Young professionals have begun to treat networking events appropriately in 2026. After several of the most antisocial years anyone has ever even heard of, people are talking to each other again, in person. Do yourself a favor, and attend a networking event. Go to one where you don't know a single person. Treat it as a learning experience, and don't beat yourself up, when you feel and look like a total goon with no social skills. Everyone I have ever known has made me do this every day of my life for the past 15 years. If you want to compete, you're going to have to practice.

In other news: Velveeta is apparently as expensive as real cheese, nowadays.

Watch that malt! No funny business...

The sequel to Schindler's List is going to be called Davos Seaworth's List: World Economic Forum Edition. Too soon? Maybe I ought to call this tab "entertainment," instead of "feelgood." I don't feel so good about that -- I just couldnt keep it to myself.

Star Wars 25 -- the Chi-Town street actor edition -- is out now. Get your tickets now, bus tickets to Phoenix that is...

This little meme.png got around, and somebody got arrested for cancer... That's really unusual. Usually you go to the hospital for that instead of jail... Yeah...

The phrase "anal retentive" has apparently made a comeback in popular culture. It had been used as an insult to overly conservative or obsessive compulsive personality-types in the past. If I retain the sanctity of my own anus, THAT'S MY BUSINESS! Those moon-pie-pics-singers will never understand.

Not all Linux variants go to heaven... Some do, though... Some do...

This just in: Blizzard North dropped off a psi-emitter in South Texas near a ghost to stop the Zerg.

This just in: The leaders of the so-called "Cult of Cthulu" killed themselves. Apparently there were two or three crappy video games about it that never really caught on, but the actual grassroots cult was enormous. They worshipped a little harmless fuzzball demon or something. They killed themselves, though. Update: Yikes, don't repeat that. They may try to turn you into a snitch or something. Calling people creepy cultists isn't snitching where I come from, but what do I know?

This just in: The producers of the 2028-scheduled "Chop-Suey" movie just announced that they are planning another movie entitled, "The Phone Company." Details are scarce at this time.

CourtTV has decided to go full-blown OJ on high profile criminal trials in 2026. Let's make them more famouser!

Merry Christmas to all of you lovable Muslims in South Texas this year. I hope your jihad is a merry one.

Contrary to popular belief, I do not actually enjoy doing the news. I have no choice though, because the news does me so terribly.

Dear young ladies: This country has become so homosexual that you might not get a date, until it's too late, unless you drink a beer on national television.

This just in: Toymakers are apparently betting on a low-tech oldschool holiday season. I think that is wise, even if you're not Amish. You don't need to sell out your children for Christmas -- buy them hotwheels and dollhouses. I'm dreaming of a luddite Christmas... Maybe we can just get rid of IoT. I kind of like new techy stuff, but IoT is getting old.

Fun fact: I have eaten of the pomegranate on three different continents...

This just in: Astronaut Training™ has not been abandoned... In addition, J Peerless was a Carpenter™ and J's Garage™ are planned for a 2027 debut on Prometheus Studios™. That's right, 1 season of each will be released all at once in a "data dump of goodness."

This just in: One of Mark Zuckerberg's first facebook employees got busted for carrying a concealed potato gun and attempted sexual battery with said concealed potato gun. No kidding...

New Trend: Trying criminals as legally retarded for lighter sentencing in South Texas is all the rage.

This just in: A "Raiders of the Lost Ark" re-enactment in Central Texas, starring "Paris Hilton" and the Nazi guy with the burn on his palm doesn't appear to be being made for TV. Nobody is sure what they're doing with the minimal footage.

This just in: Indie Jam Land™ has launched a second fund raiser (this time on ebay) to breach into online retail. Apparently, online retail requires a lot more front money than it used to. Update: fake news about ebay pervades society and promotes communism. Many blame Universal Music Group which was purchased by NBC recently and has ties to MUSQ.

This just in: The State of Texas is opening Palo Pinto State Park in 2026 in North Texas, where equestrians can ride horses through the hilltop trails.

This just in: Matthew McConahey is experiencing severe financial distress, according to an insurance commercial during a football game. I kind of think it's hilarious, and so does Woody Harrelson, apparently. He's super buried in paperwork. Apparently, everybody found out his actual job is to work at a male strip club, and it's not a fictional movie, so the men of the town mucked his life all to pieces. At least, I think that's what happened, according to my experience as a desirable heterosexual male. I feel bad for the bathroom dickwiper. Poor guy.

This just in: Talking gay dog, Barry Diller, thinks his gay dysfunctional family is worth reading about. Americans do not worship gay people, Barry -- at least not anymore. Straight people are putting their feet down. Karen Zuckerburger funding the interview be damned.

This just in: A recent poll of Eyewitness News™ viewers has concluded that women see their men as suitable for breeding and making their lives more comfortable. One was quoted as saying, "I mean, he's kinda smart and athletic... I bet he could make babies OK and buy me whatever I want." Our poll also concluded that being charming or charismatic is actually an unattractive feature for a man to possess in the continental USA. In fact, this particular quality will get you eliminated from the mating pool faster than anything.

This just in: "Reno 911" had an encounter with "The Dukes of Hazard" yesterday, but there was apparently "no crime."

Twitch streamer and Diablo II player, Mr. Llama, is now doing the news on NBC as "Tom Llamas." The nickname was apparently a failed cover story for his lewd pictures. The tomfoolery is real. I wouldn't do it to you Tom, but you're doing it to me...

This just in: Tom Llamas, otherwise known as MrLlamaSC from streaming Diablo II on Twitch, has taken the fake news campain regarding his lewd pictures a step further by attending "Picklefest..." D-Wave, a quantum computing company has reached out to Tom Llamas regarding a newsy contract which would bring them into commercial viability, with less focus on highly correlated d orbitals.

When asked why he got into making wine, John Petersen III replied, "it's an activity that is a little higher up the food-chain than picking berries for a living. Produce has necessary nutrients. Jarring, canning, freezing, and wining are clever ways to store produce." Apparently, Taylor Swift saw this and decided to pretend 9 hours ago that she has been making wine for the past 10 years. Sorry, sweetheart, but you're only relevant as a singer.

Update on Brittney interview: Everybody is a screw-loose, so it may be postponed. When asked for comment, she only said, "the people saying, 'fool better recognize' are nobodies. That's why no one ever recognizes them.

This just in: In order to compete with Indie Jam Land™, an epic rap battle has been scheduled pitting Jeff Bezos against Kevin Spacey and John Cusack. The following one pits Quentin Tarantino against Eminem, Mattress Mac, and Mark Cuban. No one has ever seen these seven people in the same place at the same time...

In an effort to thwart the release of "J Peerless 111 vs. Tha Zuckaburgla,™" Mark Zuckerberg reportedly [still yet to be confirmed] bought an enormous stake in McDonalds™, just to resurrect the presumed dead Hamburglar.

This just in: Sharks vs. hurricanes is real science, according to Daytona Beach.

In lesser news: They got him: they got the granite gangster...

This just in: Some discrepancy surrounding the definition of the word "scumbag" has been noted as a misinformation [smear] campaign circulating around the internet.
Scumbag. noun. -- A ne'er-do-well who places bounties on used condoms in attempts to frame and/or destroy an innocent heterosexual's life.

The weather forcast appears cloudy with a high chance of Swedish meatballs.

This just in from Tennessee: Patsy Kline ist sehr klein.

This just in: When something is funny, people laugh -- you'll at least get a smirk out of them. Otherwise, you're not funny.

This just in: All homosexuals who haven't moved to San Francisco or New York City have been sentenced to endure the playing of Jimmy Buffet's "Cheeseburger in Paradise," every time they go anywhere.

A smile, appropriate clothing, and the right attitude will open most doors.

This just in: If you're having trouble with African head shrinkers, ask them if their slavetrade involves white slaves or black slaves. That makes them very uncomfortable and gets rid of them faster than anything, in my experience.

Four score and one hundred years ago, some politician or another changed the connotation of the word "gay" from happy to homosexual. Apparently, the US Federal government decided that heterosexuals were sentenced to eternal torment.

Fun fact: "Que" in Spanish, means "that" in English.

This just in: Astronauts claim that the only place to get work done is "off-world," because it's the only place some screw-loose idiot won't attempt to sabotage you. I intend to prove them wrong with well-planned defenses (defences if you're European or an American idiot; some guy in the crowd at your NFL game with a clever pun is not a substitute for your English teacher).

This just in: When North America decreed, "we want Jam Land," the mayor of Corpus Christi promoted food services to compete his chicken sandwiches under the table, while sabotaging his vehicle, yet again. Jam Land may need to institute Elon Musk sandwiches to make a livin. "Maybe in Spring Break, 2026, their city council will stop persecuting him." We're stuck with four more years of the twilight zone in the city council. Europeans won't take me, it's so bad.

This just in: N-SYNC has not been able to make the comeback in South Texas this time, despite expanding their ranks to include some of their black boy-band members.

Fun fact: Women can be just as diabolical as the most twisted evil man you've ever heard of (aka Charlie Horse of the Apocalypse, aka Charles Manson). No really, they have the same propensity for evil that men do. Please stop being naive.

This just in: Tha Burgla Boyz in yo shoes fo-a-livin scandal has reached mainstream status in popular culture.

Fun fact: While harpaxophobia is defined as the psychological fear of being robbed, there is no word in the English language for the irrational fear of not being able to rob someone. Hint: Irrational fears are the ones crazy people have.

This just in: It looks like spring is here this Groundhog's Day. It was hot:

Fun fact: I was only briefly overweight (for like a week and a half), and I decided to chill out on hitting the weights to go back to cardio.

This just in: Courtney Love was sighted at a community college in South Texas in early January of 2025. What she is doing at junior college rather than robbing more musicians is anybody's guess...

This just in: Prometheus-Studios™, a streaming service which is undergoing a dramatic transformation, has a kung fu movie planned for release in 2027 about middle easterners pretending to be of Latin American descent to sneak into the west. An international espionage spectacle starring, written, produced, and directed by J Peerless. Keep an eye out.

Word of the day -- SCREWUP -- noun, derogatory, someone who ruins everything for people of purpose and virtue. ex: That screwup! I can't believe he loosened all the nuts and bolts on my prototype! Is he some kind of idiot?

This just in: Anderson Cooper's chance for redemption starts now -- otherwise, he's "Bad News" Anderson until the end of time. He witnessed me take a couple of photographs for covers for some singles I sold in February of 2021. I did it right in front of him, just in case they decided not to pay me. Is Anderson Cooper a good reporter or is he a bad reporter? To be continued...

This just in: New York City in cahoots with Tennessee cancelled Christmas for the 9999999th year in a row.

Tim Burton has planned his own twisted version of Noah's Ark inspired by Mark Zuckerberg's scorched Earf.

Coming to theatres, summer 2025: "Your favorite slave-boy escapes North America..."

Word of the day -- Charlatan -- Someone who lacks a certain skillset yet plays pretend for a living outside of the field of entertainment. Synonyms: fraud, crook, imposter, street actor.

Enemies of America dump money all over charlatans, because putting them in positions of wealth, power, or authority is bad for America and good for them. It's the easiest way for them to wage a trade war with us without even trying.

When all of your sentences start out as "I was trying to pretend that..." or "I was supposed to..." or "The government this/that..." or "He wasn't supposed to..." you might want to work on personal growth. I wouldn't call people out, but it's getting old. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all ought to be your mantra until the end of the year. I'll play along too. I'll stop being a jerk too. We'll make New Year's resolutions later. Please try not to ruin everybody's holidays. Thanks, folks.

It's one of those Thanksgivings, folks -- cobra stories flying around North America...

This just in: Shaky leg syndrome has been declassified as a medical condition. It is now, "get on the damn treadmill, fatass."

This just in: Melissa McCarthy is after Jason Bateman again in "Identity Thief, the Reality Show." Melissa McCarthy is played by some blonde chick, if I'm not mistaken -- maybe she is brunette. There might be like 20 or 30 of them, as far as I'm concerned, and I'm feeling pretty Jason Bateman right about now. Maybe they're just shy.

Fun fact: Humble pie doesn't always taste so good. The slices divied out in NYC were appropriate. Earflings may start serving slices in the Austin, TX area, before this is finished.

Fun fact: You ain't no holler back girl is why you aren't my girlfriend right now.

Happy Thanksgiving from Eyewitness-News™. If you invited Bollywoo to North America, you ought to invite them to Thanksgiving Dinner, because they apparently aren't understanding how important this holiday is to North America. If you're going to invite foreigners here, please introduce our culture to them. Have a great holiday

This just in: Middle Easterners are buying one-way plane tickets home for the holidays.

DJ Bologna Farmer crash landed in Miami, when he first arrived in North America from Iraq. If he is going to spring break in North America, he ought to do it in South Florida. There's too much trouble down here in South Texas already. The last thing we need to do is welcome outsiders right now.

Bollywoo, aka "Elon Musk," seems to think sabotaging electronics remotely with SpaceX is the "American Dream."

Trey Stone and Matt Parker apparently thought this would just "go away" on its own, even though people have reminded them that they messed with way too many people over the years. They must defend their honor on their own ridiculous cartoon show. We're even going to need to hear some farts (with witnesses) to confirm virgin buttholes. They have delayed too long, and the situation has escalated. No one cares whom they were "working for." We need them to defend their honor or we're going to have to mess with them forever. step out of the public eye. I changed that to sound non-threatening. This is supposed to be funny and appropriate...

This just in: M. Night Shyamalan is producing "Indian Boys on the Run," which is scheduled for release sometime in mid-2025. He claims the "realism" will "blow you away." Bollywoo pulled out all the stops for this one...

Fun fact: A rumor about the future can often turn into a cool movie idea.

This just in: Eyewitness-News™ has decided to secure an interview with Brittany Spears sometime in 2025 -- a real interview, face-to-face. People need to know things -- they are dying to know. Update: An unknown hambone-personality-type is outraged for some unknown reason. Brittany has declined to comment at this time. We'll track her down, eventually. Update: I would like to apologize to Brittney fans. I had no idea she had committed suicide a few years ago. I am so sorry, if I stirred up old emotions. I don't actually know her or really anything about her -- I just heard a rumor which concerned me.

Fun fact: America was not always a gay country. Anal-retentive-personality-types have recruited Cheetah-Girls to race with Light-Speed-Girls to see who are faster. Desperate times call for desperate measures...

In other news:

Explanation: I'm a big GRRM fan, and I didn't get to visit Meow Wolf last time I was in Santa Fe. That stupid Judge Neurock was trying to cover up how some of the neighbors were saying that one of my newest projects looked like it belonged in Meow Wolf. This is after that Judge (with a conflict of interest) threw out my lawsuit, which was World War 3 in my eyes. The judge looks halfway somewhat similar to GRRM, and I thought it was funny -- which it was, if you knew what was going on, but anybody far away probably didn't. The end. Reports of a pantomimed gunfight were exaggerated.

This just in: the Tickle-me-Elmos are backordered so drastically, you have to give me your house and your first born to get one.

This just in: Mark Zuckerberg has gone MIA. Rumor has it, he has taken a step back from the limelight, due to degenerative communist syndrome. There is a $0.47 reward on his current whereabouts and condition, just to meme further on bounty culture and Mark Zuckerberg's destruction of western society. Look at his eyes -- it looks like he does pills or something. I bet bad pills are his worst nightmare. Update: Westerners have decided that they want to keep Mark Zuckerberg alive (so they can sue him more easily), so they need to arrest him and/or admit him to rehab.

Fun fact: Veni, Vidi, Vici means "I came, I saw, I conquered." Next time you get mad at one of your friends, remember if a divide-and-conquer-personality-type was there that day.

This just in: Irate fans have decreed that Grifty-for-a-Living must sit around and eat for a year and a half before she will be allowed to steal any more identities.

This just in: New reports indicate "Elon Musk's" tranny-boys are too young to be snapchatting with him...

This just in: The Tay Peeper cultists have hidden back into shadow until Jimmy Carter gets re-elected.

Throwback news from 1993: "It can't rain all the time..."

Somebody take Jack Andrews down off of the crucifix they put him on. The crooked courthouse conspiracy club threw the lawsuit out, so Jack was sacrificed for no reason. This is far from over, however.

USPTO employees are even lower lifeforms.

Fun Fact: 11.1% of business school graduates from Stanford end up in prison.

Fun Fact: 77.7% of law school students in North America think everybody is a piece-of-shit-communist-for-a-living and are only going to law school to sue them all.
Source: polling from polldaddy™

Sometime in 2026, Prometheus-Studios™ is going to premier a show entitled, "Uncle Donny™," about Donald Trump at twenty years old.

This just in: After analyzing the footage, J Peerless™ Was a Carpenter has at least 4 seasons planned.

If you are offended, I would like to point out that that was a general statement and not directed at anyone in particular.

Nobody knows why you're confused, but allow Nemo to elaborate... Gay people like "Elon Musk" blame their gayness on straight people, so they can actually work. The more prominent of a person they pin their gayboy behavior on, the better their career turns out. Gay people are actually that diabolical. Before you say, "takes one to know one," understand that they have been trying to patsy their gayboy lifestyle choices on me for a very long time -- that's how I know their game. I don't actually want anything to do with them.

This just in: Trey Parker and Matt Stone are rumored to be making an appearance on South Park to defend their honor...

This just in: Women need to work on their pickup lines, if they do not wish to be confused with hookers and scam artists. If they are hookers, indeed, then they need to work on their advertising campaigns.

Check out where Astronaut Training™ is headed in the future of humanity.

Since you're all too stupid to mail me checks for the money you owe me, just mail me gold bricks off of my Amazon wish list.

Here are some lawyer jokes for litigation attorneys to chew on, until they get their sh*t together...

How do you know who I am?

Dear ladies, if a man isn't interested, get over it. Please allow him to date whom HE wants. Surely, there is a mutual match or several out there. Attraction is fickle. I get turned down ALL THE TIME. Also, I shoot women down all the time. Welcome to single life.

As you can see from "Cookin N Texas" TikTokers aren't my friends. I don't even know any of them. See how it turns out, when I invite TikTokers:

My lawsuit is becoming less and less dangerous every day:

I've been posting some playthroughs and pvp fights on Hatorade Games™

Silicon Valley hasn't been acting very American lately. So... give them the CHEESEBURGER TEST. Or, stream below:

Are you good or evil (part 2), click HERE TO FIND OUT. Or, stream below:

This is what it's all about:

Happy Valentine's Day, tomorrow, Corpus Christi, Texas...

What will it take for me to go out? That's what they asked me...

Facebook bit it, hook line and sinker. Don't be sad -- your businesses will be fine.

Just take it... Don't help them with their destructive campaign...