I may merge a few of these sole proprietorships to concentrate brands soonish. This fecitious news site was softcore revenge on CNN and Fox for the bologna farm that they turned my lawsuit into. Indie Jam Land™, Hatorade Games™, N-Dimensional Engineering™, and Prometheus-Studios™ are all here to stay. The rest will be determined...
Update: Women can't let one single man on planet Earth be happy, so they have determined that I must work overtime and continue doing the news, too. Sorry, folks, but the news show must go on...
Breaking News: Cross-Chain Token Transfer Protocol, or CCTP, an application of block chain technology, almost slipped through the cracks -- until now... Forget http... That's old news, buddy... If someone else doesn't do this, I will. An internet accounting system which will be nigh-unhackable/uncrackable is on the horizon... I'm already developing my own SSL certificates (https), but with this new technology on the horizon, I may just go down the CCTP road for good... You'll see... you'll see... I hope this guy isn't in some concentration camp somewhere... His website is down. I may seek him out for an interview in the next couple of years. I'm going to save you stupid simian neanderthals from yourselves, one way or another, whether you want to be saved or not...
Allow me to explain why this is necessary: People are sick and tired of money going missing and legitimate businesses getting buried by unknown outside forces. DNS routing and https encryption methods are antiquated engineering techniques given the current state of science. Deploying superior engineering standards will prevent the rich-boy-communist-club from routing internet traffic away from legitimate business, prevent intercepting financial transactions away from legitimate business, and will bring in a new era of internet encryption and transfer protocol. Ushering in a new economic era of prosperity is possible, if this sort of technology is deployed correctly. There is no golden gun. Deployment and maintenance must be in the right hands.
Full server upgrade coming extremely soon. Please be patient as I move one site at a time. Watch the explanation here, or download it here to show people. One way or another, I'm going to open my online store for the holidays, and Scrooge can get bent.
Friendly notice to twitch.tv and their streamers: My webserver is loaded with © and ™. Believe it or not, I do not appreciate you profiting off of my business, while manipulating my server data regarding visitors, for example. Recording others' copyrighted works just might get your streaming company sued. I damn near sued them already in January of 2021, but I had more monetary reasons to pursue some of their neighbors. Believe it or not, it is legally IMPOSSIBLE to copyright someone else's original work. You're better off "getting gud" at something people want to actually see you do. Your KKK cover-up did not work -- please stop. My new record is 16,262 webserver hits in a single day.
The copycat memers have my full attention. As I transition my webserver to its new home, all of my memes will have logos in the future of humanity.
"The free world" is a phrase which still means a lot to a lot of people.
I'm going to keep poking fun at anyone who appears even remotely hostile, until someone has the guts to tell me who it is who wants me dead so badly.
Lemme at 'em... Lemme at 'em...
Meet the man behind the orangutan. He was raised by Mogli in The Jungle Book, he owes us all a fortune, and he murdered half the planet to cover me up. He is such a hideous creature, but I made him beautiful somehow.
I hear Fight Night is still a thing in Austin, TX. Since it occurs in October, if I remember correctly, he'd have an entire year to prepare. I'm not fighting an imitator or "his champion," either. If he has a problem with me, we can settle it in the ring with gloves on.
This just in: After Trump's sentencing date, I will be your president. Yes, I, "JD Vance," will be your president. The whole "JD Vance" thing was just an elaborate ruse. You will understand later. Take Friday off. Have a good weekend.
Whoever thought it was a good idea to get rid of landlines and put all of our communication channels in the hands of evil homosexuals from San Francisco must have been some sort of demented idiot.
A republican in the white house AND a Republican-dominated senate? Someone pinch me -- I must be dreaming.
Add 20 seconds to the game clock.
Arizona, Nevada, Pennsylvania, and Michigan (I'm taking my one Mullighan on mispelling Michigan) are taking their sweet time, like usual. You guys really need to get it together. It's always you same slow states we're waiting on. People don't want any foul play guys, just hurry it up and count the votes, please.
If the MAGA movement is truly about rejecting communism and embracing capitalism, then I'm all for it. If it is about putting bounties on people's lives, identities, and personal property, then I'm against it. I don't really know what MAGA is about. I think I speak for everyone when I want some sort of simplified definition of what MAGA actually is. Nine years later, and I still don't have any clue what MAGA actually is. Are we deporting Middle Eastern invaders? Yay... Or, are we hiring mercenaries out of the Middle East? Boooo... Nobody has any actual idea, because everyone in the media is such a liar and a scoundrel. Therefore, I do the news now. Get used to it.
Dear New Yorkers: Please stop screwing our lives up, and maybe we'll pay you a peaceful visit someday. When you screw our lives up, our actual careers get screwed up, and we can't afford to visit you peacefully. This goes double for Californians. Yes, that's right -- people outside of New York and California actually have legitimate careers. I know it's a shocker, but it's the truth. Believe it or not, responsible working adults often plan vacations years in advance to fit it into their budget. People have other actual real-life goals which impact their finances, besides becoming "more famouser." Your communist agenda is not appreciated very much. If you want people to visit, send them an invitation. Most people do not appreciate uninvited guests. You guys are a little odd, in that regard. Please pass this on to every New Yorker and Californian that you know -- it may just be imperative to their survival as species. kthanksbye
Ya'll aren't understanding why I mention communism. When you steal from Peter and rob him of his identity to pay Paul and credit him with Peter's works -- that is communism. You are not a capitalist. I repeat, you are not a capitalist.
It is you who has no life, because you are the one pretending to be me. You are afraid to be yourself, because you're a no-life loser who has never accomplished anything that wasn't pretend. You're terrified people will find out your real name... Good talk.
This just in: Dumbass "Whoopi Goldberg" thinks Corpus Christi, Texas is some kind of New Jack City or something with her legion of Iraqis. *radio to Ft. Hood*
This just in: "Elon Musk" has become approximately 40 years younger all of a sudden. He attributes his new youthful appearance to research coming out of The University of Texas at San Antonio. Dr. Large, one of their newest faculty members, can direct the questions and comments to the biochemical engineering department whose recent research on "growth factors" has been so miraculously successful.
This just in: The US Federal Government is so incredibly homosexual that they have begun to punish heterosexual citizens for heterosexual behavior.
This just in: The judicial branch of The USA prefers writing contests to The Seventh Amendment of The Bill of Rights of the US Constitution.
This just in: The Pacific Northwest does not check ID or voter registration to vote.
Here is what you can expect on this webapp:
I had to fire Nemo's way to make a living:
In truth, people were creeping me out how flappy-bird-obsessive they were becoming about Nemo, so I had to send him on his way. It was just supposed to be a joke.
This just in: John Connor McCloud was sited at a voting booth in South Texas. He is actually a real person. I repeat, he is actually a real person. Those urban legends were reality...
This just in: Notorious "for-a-living-memer" finally got his mark with an epic for-a-living joke that fag-boy-for-a-living'd his mark's life story argument away from him... Who knew his mark was actually a fag-boy-for-a-living? I mean, he actually made a living out of it. Outrageous...
This just in: The EPA is investigating several hostile individuals who contaminated the water supply in Flint, Michigan with iron and heavy metals, such as cadmium, mercury, and lead, which are known to cause problems with brain function.
This just in from unda da sea:
John is taking a vacation. Meet our newest anchor, Nemo. Finding him was more difficult than you might think. He'll be breaking the news for the next few weeks.
This just in: Everyone's favorite new bellwether is if Judge Janis Jack read it, then everybody must have read it...
A resurfacing of Zippo v. Zippo (1997) is altering the legal landscape from Tinseltown to Silicon Valley.
Breaking news: Donald Trump's mental competancy has come into question by an anonymous source from California... Joe Biden's was never under question -- that old guy lost it years ago...
Fun fact: Old people have old feelings. When you hurt their old feelings, they get Alzheimer's together.
This just in: Meddling in a man's career will turn you into a crazy cat lady faster than anything -- just ask Grifty.
Fun fact: Grifty's fanbase watched too much "Mean Girls" when they were kids, so now they have to be lesbians-for-a-living.
This just in: Feminazis-for-a-living (feminazi is a term coined by one of my former coworkers, back in 2006 or 2007 -- Mike says bring on the hate mail; I live for these moments) have decided human decency is "old-hat-for-a-living." They have all decided to be sell-outs when they grow up and work with the gestapo.
Fun fact: Gestapo means "time cop" in Italian."
Fun fact: The original Feminazi, Hillary Clinton, believes that it takes an entire village to gay up one guy's life, murda racket his neighborhood, and change a lightbulb from the future of humanity.
Fun fact: Hillary Clinton is pro-slavery.
Fun fact: You cannot just kill the whole planet to keep your dirty little secret. They tried doing that in World War 1 and World War 2, and it did not work out well for anyone.
Fun fact: Changing lightbulbs-for-a-living (that's actually an analogy for the slow people -- I'm referring to stealing one man's ideas and giving them to another, i.e., communism) is not an actual career path. Murder-cover-up lifestyle choices are too pathetic and cringe to tolerate any longer.
This just in: The Federal Government of The USA is rumored to be planning to be making an example out of a rogue CEO who has reportedly killed a large number of American citizens.
This just in: The underhanded dirty tricks politicians pull with their goons make you feel icky on the inside.
This just in: Openly communist Mark Zuckerberg claimed publicly that "communism is a legitimate political affiliation."
This just in: Almost everything can be bought except loyalty. Loyalty can be rented; it can be destroyed; but, it cannot be bought.
This just in: The kings of Europe have been rumored to have been telling their subjects, "please go home and have sex with your wife and shut up about me to honor your king."
This just in: People behave extremely irrationally when a large amount of money disappears.
This just in: "The Whipping Boy III" is coming to theatres, Summer 2025. Update: This production has been delayed indefinitely.
This just in: Porch pirates-for-a-living have granted amnesty to porches of all shapes and colors.
This just in: Ted from first-friend-on-facebook-fame is wanted for multiple homicides in 48 states.
This just in: iPhone customers are looking for alternative phones, due to an update that does not install after being downloaded. Apparently, numerous Apple stores have been closed down recently, so customers have lost faith in their brand.
This just in: Apparently, according to New Yorkers, putting bounties on American Citizens' personal items is "Making America Great Again."
This just in: Virile, healthy, heterosexual behavior has been outlawed, apparently, in The USA.
This just in: A large number of men in North America have died from contracting dumb-guy-dead-guy disease while they were fighting some forever war or another while pretending to be important.
This just in: Singer-Songwriter-Actor-Athlete-Legend Chris Kristofferson has passed away at 88 years old... R.I.P.
This just in: RBI legend Pete Rose has passed away at 83 years old... R.I.P.
This just in: Knife Party Cultists have been identified as the unknown terrorist organization responsible for the electromagnetic pulses (EMPs) Thursday evening and throughout Friday (9/26/24-9/27/24).
Viewer discretion is advised on the following meme:
This just in: Ted Cruz' lefty loosey (in the caboosey) interpretation of the law is getting the whole planet Earth killed...
This just in: Women in America are finally starting to realize that helping rich foreigners screw up men's careers is not considered flirting. It might just get those men killed, instead.
This just in: Immigrants in The USA are reported to be on their best behavior now. Maybe someday their sons and daughters will enjoy the same sorts of economic opportunities and freedoms we enjoy as citizens.
This just in: "Elon Musk" has been reported to have been declining offers for free three-hour tours of The Caribbean.
Print this petition as many times as you need to get all of the signatures.
I'm going to sue Mark Zuckerberg again -- next time for 10x as much. I won the lawsuit, late July, 2024. Click here, if you don't believe me. Judge Neurock will have some explaining to do, whichever decision he winds up making -- this lawsuit has become much more contentious than he seems to think.
I never signed off on deferring to a federal court. That actually requires my signature. Racketeering in my neighborhood alone is enough to give a Texas court jurisdiction -- period. The City of Houston has absolutely nothing to do with anything whatsoever.
Here is a recording of me calling The US Supreme Court around 10:20 am on September 24th, 2024.
This just in: An unknown terrorist organization hit Corpus Christi, Texas near Corpus Christi Bay with multiple electromagnetic pulses (EMPs) Thursday evening and throughout Friday (9/26/24-9/27/24), resulting in many individuals' alarm clocks being bugged out this morning, and people were late to work and school...
This just in: If Kamala Harris were an American Citizen, why doesn't she get the joke about "grandma got ran over by a reindeer?" Also, why do many newcomers who claim to be Mexican not know what a chihuahua is? Are they truly Mexican, or are they lying? Find out next time...
This just in: The "internet of things" wants to rob and murder you -- just ask The Wall Street Journal.
This just in: The scientific community finally just realized that I proved The BCS Theory of Superconductivity (1972 Nobel Prize in Physics) to be partially incorrect (at the very least, in the case of high-temperature superconductors) in December of 2017. While BCS Theory gives an accurate quantitative description, the qualitative implications led to decades of fruitless quantitative research by thousands of [salty] researchers. I proved quantitatively that the 1/2 in BCS Theory describes spin channels of fermions rather than a "Cooper Pairing" into a boson. Bose-Einstein statistics and Fermionic statistics are very different.
Dear India: Why are you trying to destroy North America? We are your best trading partners... Nobody will buy your things, if you continue...
This just in: Bluetooth is for suckers and turkeys...
This just in: Jeff Bezos just learned that it is Chicago and not he who sets prices. The sacred exchanges of capitalism don't need to be jury rigged.
Save a pig -- eat a gyro...
This just in: The ne'er-do-wells at Google have taken a lot of musical content down from youtube, due to licensing issues. Apparently, they never had the rights, in the first place. Rumor has it that they are still stealing music and streaming it to other countries, however. Their foreign CEO is stealing American music and streaming it in foreign countries, while he is pretending to honor our laws in America.
This just in: Politicians have forgotten which branch of government they were elected to serve. Someone please remind them that they are public servants and teach them about the triumvirate. Apparently, wikipedia has no clue, either. Would some kind political scholars with extra time on their hands please fix the triumvirate page.
This just in: Someone or something is attempting to make The Episcopal Church (an entire sect of Christianity) disappear...
This just in: Mark Zuckerberg invited Anderson Cooper and Pete Buttagieg to his basement torture chamber again. Pray for our sons' and daughters' sphincters...
This just in: Everyone on planet Earth has seen pictures on Instagram which raised their eyebrows -- let's just say that...
This just in: Stanford Business School ranks #1 in likelihood to do prison time. Apparently, they have omitted Business Ethics and Business Law from their curriculum entirely.
This just in: Smart people often make multi-year or even multi-decade plans. These are called long-term goals. I don't need, want, or request feedback on my business acumen.
This just in: People are not pleased with the current state of the internet. I'm going to be making some adjustments. Please be patient and check back over the next few years. I expect this may take at least 3-4 years.
This just in: Ted Cruz is reported to be considering entering the private sector, because Texans will no longer tolerate his presence in The USA, if he continues to work in the public sector as a foreigner.
This just in: Neither Ted Cruz, Tillman Fertita, nor "Elon Musk" have voter registration cards. They don't get to influence public policy.
This just in: People who side with nerds in lawsuits are not cool. You ought not to side with anyone. Mind your own business.
So many people contributed to this new image -- you'll never believe what you're seeing. Click it to enlarge it.
How's that for some first-class reporting. I didn't even leave the house... I think she may have framed another black guy yesterday (9/20/24, around 4:30ish CST).
This just in: Jeff Bezos had better start talking about what happened in India in January of 2021 that led to them invading North America. Get your fallguys ready, or this is never going to end.
This just in: Old people saying "facebook was supposed to cover everything up for me," is getting really old. Every old person on planet Earth says that. Just retire... Don't you have enough money? Stop murdering young people to cover up your horrible life.
This just in: Old people are terrified of heterosexual behavior.
This just in: They also have an irrational fear of video games [edit: this has become common knowledge].
This just in: Hatorade Games™ just acquired rights to over 1111 classic Japanese games.
This just in: Prometheus Studios™ just acquired rights to over 111 classic movies.
This just in: The pope is rumored to have decided The Catholic Church may be more strict regarding penance for confessions sometime in the future.
Throwback news from 1991: Australia invaded North America, because Dupont's profit margins decreased on styrofoam production, due to a global ban on cloroflourocarbons (CFCs) which damaged our ozone layer significantly. Australia and Dupont targeted everyone involved in the ban, including me, even though I was just a small child. They still try to blame aerosol -- to this day. Aerosol is just a fine nozzle on a container under pressure, basically, which is a consequence of constant density in fluid dynamics. This is a bit of an oversimplification, but you get the point -- they are lying to you to make more money.
Send this document to a compentent lawyer licensed in Texas, if you want to save my life and make $1 billion in the process. Thanks.
This just in: Sorority girls want to BBQ Ted Bundy's corpse.
This just in: By attempting to block my lawsuit, you're going to wind up with a lien on YOU for restitution. Congratulations, morons. I don't even have to sue you, and I don't even need a lawyer to do this. I'm getting my money back -- one way or another. Not to mention, that can be used to build my case further. I'd suggest you stay out of my way in the future. I have warned everyone ad naseum to stay out of my lawsuit. If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at whomever dragged you into your racketeering mobster lifestyle. Have a nice weekend.
This just in: Long-troubled CNN, a division of Manhattan-based media conglomerate Warner Bros. Discovery, is implicated in multiple counts of fraud, homicide, suicide, and embezzlement. Where did THAT money come from. #lienshappen.
This just in: Warner Bros. Discovery has made numerous dubious real estate investments in South Texas at a net loss, where they launched multiple cover-story businesses operating at a loss. Trademark infringement accusations are flying around South Texas, damaging their once-halfway-respectable name.
Allegations of Warner Bros. Discovery-CNN engaging in a violent information war against competitors Disney-Fox and Comcast-NBC led to another federal investigation of a corporation already plagued by investigations of organized international crime. It's difficult to call it a war, when they are senselessly slaughtering innocent civilians in their sleep. It looks more like mass genocide, especially with the mass influx of hostile Middle Eastern migrants who aren't coming here for jobs.
This just in: The colloquially named "Charlie Daniels Mob--" from "Always Sunny in Philadelphia" fame, rather than "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" fame -- has been implicated in multiple homicides in South Texas, tied to an organized crime branch of New York City-based Comcast-NBC. Comcast was headquartered in Philidelphia, until recently.
This just in: Disney-Fox has been implicated in multiple homicides all over North America, especially in Tucson, Arizona and Baja California Sur, Mexico. Previous head of Fox, foreign invader Rupert Murdoch, is fighting some sort of ridiculous war in North America, in a pathetic attempt to cover up some ridiculous "wack-a-doodle" murder spree.
This just in: Meta, Inc, somehow still led by super villain Mark Zuckerberg who still seems to think he can murder his way out of a corner, is implicated in every single one of the above-mentioned mass murder spree cover-ups from the three multimedia television conglomerates.
This just in: New York City and San Francisco are rumored to be physically moving morgues to be located adjacent to media companies.
This just in: Old timers in the "TV" business need to just retire already. You obviously don't understand how the internet changed how the world works. The more you lie, the more people hate your guts.
Newsflash: People don't like people lying to them.
This just in: In case you guys haven't noticed, people are just throwing their TVs away, because they are useless.
This just in: Jim Taiclet (CEO of Lockheed) wants to murda-racket-yo-neighborhood for Mark Zuckerberg. Lockheed has been hiring faggots for the past 13.5 years to murder me everywhere I go, because Mark Zuckerberg pays them to cereal industry your neighborhood with faggot serial killers. Real talk -- this is reality.
"Elon Musk" worked for Lockheed Martin back in the late 80's and early 90's, driving exotic cars, made by Lotus, only his name wasn't "Elon Musk" back then. Los Angeles called him "Mussolini" back then, because he's a communist. He murders whole family trees to rob people blind.
Crooks get sued -- boohoo... Check out this example of DNS bashing, in a blatant disregard for not only law and order but capitalism in general. These communists belong in Guantanamo Bay.
This just in: Meta, Inc, formerly known as Facebook, Inc, is undergoing restructuring AGAIN. They are rumored to be considering changing the name again. Many have suggested Homicide, Inc, is appropriate.
This just in: Middle Easterners in The USA have been overheard saying things recently like, "they're onto us," and, "we never should have come here..."
This just in: Nobody cares about your nightmares, emotional well-being, or how well you sleep at night -- especially when you cannot follow The US Constitution or The Ten Commandments to save your life. People need to make money, take care of their families, and live their lives.
I would like to point out that the state bird of Texas is the mockingbird, because we don't like frauds and dopplegangers. Allow me to explain to you why you frauds cannot have my identity in my homeland, and why I'll sue whom I please, via The Seventh Amendment of The Bill of Rights of The US Constitution:
This just in: The United Nations is rumored to be considering sending Mark Zuckerberg and "Elon Musk" to the Gulag, a trans-Siberian prison labor system, where they will work until dead.
This just in: Donald Trump has been reported to be considering joining the Democrats, if elected, because he enjoys the company of criminals and has Russian-communistic tendencies (seriously, communism is far-left, guys).
This just in: Truth Social App is where they conspire to "train on people," i.e., send hundreds or even thousands or more racketeers (criminals they pay or fool into doing it for free) after their enemies. Their blatant disregard for RICO laws is not only a communist tactic, but it is a cowardly act of civil war. At least they're honest about it...
This just in: Foreign invader, "Elon Musk," has been reported to have been paying off Outlook employees to block critical emails of businesses who contract with Outlook for email services. "Rico Suave" is reportedly in league with "Elon Musk" and Rupert Murdoch, attempting to stage a coup d'état in The USA.
This just in: The US Federal Government would rather starve women and children, turn them into prostitutes, and throw men on the street to die than exhibit even a modicum of family values.
This just in: The old-people-taylorfoolery/tomfoolery/tedfoolery-Bob-Dylon-KKK cover story is not cute -- it's communism. The tay-peepers are out of control. They have taken over the role of the tom-peepers in our society to the point to where the role reversal has shocked North America to the core.
Somebody please tell Donald Trump to read a book every once in a while. Then, he might actually realize he's a communist.
Sellouts and RICO racketeers are actually communists. How did you not know that? Nobody has time for communists. You belong working in a Siberian salt mine.
This just in: The FBI's new recruitment pitch is, "you get to kill anybody and get away with it."
This just in: Dr. John Emil Petersen III is looking for a book deal for this autobiographical account written using a pseudonym. Download an excerpt here. He seeks a book deal while Joe Biden is a lame duck, or he may have to flee The USA forever.
This just in: The foreign invader Murdoch family is still vying for an imaginary "throne" in our country, according to NBC news. I don't think they understand democracy in The USA. Somebody check their visas, please. There's actually a Falconi in the story. This is just like something out of a Batman comic. Apparently, they want to fake news my lawsuit in Reno. Why doesn't that old idiot just write a will like everybody else? As frauds go, the Murdochs are upper echelon. #talkaboutwhitecollar
This just in: Rupert Murdoch has more Rambos than you have any idea... It doesn't look like the Murdoch family is actually trying to talk them out of it, like in the movies though. Someone make Murdoch stop... For the love of God almighty, make Murdoch stop...
This just in: Thanos killed half of planet Earth... and, then he killed himself, apparently... At least, that's what they told me...
This just in: Joe Biden's "duck and cover" policies are not appreciated by Americans.
His lame duck policy plays much better.
This just in: Americans are difficult to trust, because they haven't told a single truth to literally anyone in years.
This just in: Investigative reporters are putting together the facts for the true life story of Ted Cruz. You can't make this stuff up -- it's vile enough for a horror movie.
This just in: Tim Cook and Pichai Sundararajan are going to be arrested for criminal negligence and reckless endangerment. While detained, they will be interrogated by waterboarding if necessary.
This just in: Silicon Valley has officially blacklisted planet Earth. No one will ever work again, unless you're from India for some reason. Believe it or not, most people from India are totally ignorant but really good liars. Canadians don't really believe in higher education either. Don't hire them...
This just in 9/14/24: A prisoner escaped from Huntsville Penitentiary and a Ballerina died young -- Mark Zuckerberg is to blame in both tragedies.
When it's not Mark Zuckerberg's fault, it's Tim Cook's fault.
This just in: People are embarrassed to be human beings, because John Petersen III still can't get a litigation attorney. They are actually embarrassed to be Earthlings. This is too cringe... He actually won his lawsuit though, believe it or not. People keep trying to bologna the settlement check.
This just in: politicians and government employees need to grow up. People have work to do.
The Canadian government has occupied Texas. #freeTexas from Canadian tyranny. Edit: It's not just Albertans. There's Quebecois too... Oh no!
This just in: Fuck Canada. Why would you live in the arctic, if you weren't a criminal piece of shit?
This just in: Nobody cares if Mark Zuckerberg exists or was ever even a real human. Make a Mark Zuckerberg's lawyer appear with a check and an NDA in his hand. You got sued.
This just in: The definition of homosexuality has not changed. Heterosexuals are actually terrified of prison, because there are too many homosexuals there. Otherwise, I would have gone postal on all of you a long long time ago.
This just in: JG Wentworth can't get you your cash now...
This just in: Get me a competent litigation attorney, and you won't have to monitor me 24/7 for serial killers in my neighborhood.
This just in: Roughly 10% of planet Earth speaks Spanish better than you do -- it's not just Mexico. Many Spanish-speaking countries have dialects (which are not technically different languages) so different that they are difficult to understand for non-native speakers. Fun fact: Spain has at least 5 official different languages -- only one of which is Spanish. There is rumored to be a 6thlanguage called Aranese in Cataluña, but I've never heard of this one...
This just in: Dum dums in North America need to learn their place in society and let smart people get back to work. Mafia = bunch of dum dum communists. Nobody cares about your dum dum friends' agenda. Go plow the fields like good dum dums.
Just to show you how dum dum you actually are, let's compare you to a lemming. When a lemming jumps off a cliff, the rest of the lemmings jump too. Why are you hitting yourself?
This just in: I don't know which side of my lawsuit you're on, because you keep doing what my enemy wants you to do. You look like an enemy too. Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on?
This just in: Old people need to stop being afraid of their own shadow and retire, already. People are more likely to put you in an old folks home than a prison cell. Get the hell out of our way, please. Nobody cares what you're hiding.
If lemmings, old-people, small potatos, and balm arguments don't make sense, I don't know what else to tell you. You're just slow, alright. You just don't get it.
This just in: Your moronic cover stories aren't fooling anyone, and that's why the world is at war, because they're sick of your lies. The internet makes your old-people-cover-story-lifestyle impossible without murdering everything that moves. Just shut up and retire, already. You can't just murder the entire planet Earth (I guess you could, but we ought to just kill you, instead).
Public Service Announcement to racketeering sleazebags from out of town/state: You have a limited amount of time to gtfo. I have most of you on video, and I need to show the judge to put the icing on the proverbial cake that is my lawsuit. You more than likely will get in trouble if you stick around. I suggest you leave yesterday. It's over. Go away. I'm not trying to pretend to be policeman. I'm trying to win my lawsuit. If you get in trouble, don't say I didn't warn you.
Public Service Announcement: Tillman Fertitta's dog is on the loose in Corpus Christi, Texas. Someone please return it to him.
Public Service Announcement to hotel chains around the planet Earth: Lice has infested the San Francisco Bay area so badly, it would be ill-advised to book hotel rooms for people who frequent that area.
This just in: Openly transexual Ken Paxton died a little on the inside, when his newly issued Texas Driver's License claimed he was female. Even though he was born with a vagina, just like "Elon Musk," and they are both foreign invaders, he insists that his sex change operation was so successful, that his Texas Driver's License ought to list him as male. #gohomeken #gohometed
I'm not the only 3rd generation Texan who wants both of you #gonegirl... Maybe their boyfriend "Pistol Annie" will protect them.
This just in: Several employees at Texas State University in San Marcos, Texas have been accused of hiding their Russian citizenship.
This just in: Open lesbian Taylor Swift (Taylor Grift? who goes by "he," apparently -- that's so weird) has been fighting some sort of civil war against Ralph Loren for the past few years. Apparently, they didn't appreciate her devaluing one of their premier colognes.
Taylor's UPS franchise deal was nullified recently, due to taylorfoolery and tomfoolery. In other news, her and Ken Paxton don't actually know what a franchise is.
This just in: Eyewitness News™ will hire some reporters sometime next year, along with hosting live news streams a few times per week at 7 pm CST. Here's a Take-home vocabulary test, since you would fail miserably, if I tested you on the spot.
Making the mega-rich richer with thievery, murder, and communism is exactly how Russia became ruled by an oligarchy.
Apparently, cracking jokes about publicly elected officials is no longer allowed in The Soviet USA.
This just in: The US Dollar has broken down on the side of the road right next to the internet. It doesn't really do anything it was designed to do anymore. Maybe we ought to just trade gold, silver, and copper again.
This just in: Citizens don't understand why foreigners insist on criticizing them for their education.
This just in: Despite the US Supreme Court ruling that foreigners cannot sit on corporation's board of directors seats, a member of the Murdoch family, a foreigner, sat on the board of HEB, a private corporation in Texas. Since then, pork was found in the ground beef at an HEB grocery store in recent weeks.
This just in: Politicians lie allllll the time. They aren't going to admit anything, if you go down. I told everybody on tiktok a few years ago, "politicians make terrible friends -- they even make bad acquaintances." Nobody has ever heard of most of them, because everything about most of them is bologna.
Trump scares the shit out of me, but at least people know him and his family. Nobody knows any of these other people in politics right now.
This just in: Winder, Georgia is in Barrow County. The ambulance on CNN said Jackson County. CNN is bologna. Hide yo kids; hide yo wife...
Here is a temporal argument against preemptive striking. Everybody is getting sick and tired of all of this nonsense.
This just in: "Bytedance" ought to change their name to "Bitdance," because that's how they terminate creators.
This just in: The Kraken Browser™ has been delayed a few months. Please be patient.
You might use Chromium, until I get The Kraken™ out there for download. Firefox apparently just self-destructed when it failed at displaying Cabela's website.
This just in: People who are not software developers need not chime in on policy in the software community. Ditto for the scientific community. Thanks for World War three, bozos...
This just in: Stay out of cameras too, please.
This just in: Silicon Valley has been nuked at least once, and they all just moved right back. We have to cut the head off of the snake -- i.e., Mark Zuckerberg.
This just in: Men don't have vaginas, so who needs them? Let the gayboys date their boyfriends on facebook -- no need to interfere.
This just in: No one wants to have to assign value to anyone's life. Stop forcing people to choose one life over another. Instead, try to obey the law and start contributing value to society. Otherwise, don't be surprised if you get euthenized by a jury of your peers.
This just in: The son of Osama bin-Laden is still on the loose in North America. Somebody give him a free Alaskan cruise or a free trip to Hawaii.
This just in: Openly gay Ryan Reynolds still tries to blame his gayness on heterosexuals and slaughters people when they find out. Go be gay somewhere else, Ryan -- anywhere else.
This just in: Donald Trump can't get a decent campaign together, because he keeps waging war on conservative America and getting arrested for it. You'd think he would have joined the Democrats. He doesn't fit in with conservative's world view, apparently. Livy Dunne has more details in her upcoming confession.
This just in: Stupid politicians want to throw little girls under the bus for a living for their own bad decisions.
This just in: Get your own life story, or admit you're a communist loser, already.
This just in: Austin, Texas has a bad case of "Canadian Bureaucrat Disease." We're going to have to find a cure for CBD! It's an outright infestation... Rumor speaks of a cure called, "To Hell with those Communists," otherwise known as THC...
This just in: The Debian Linux community has more eyes on Mark Zuckerberg than on potatoes in Idaho. It sounds like he bologna'd so many software repositories -- solely to put one sole proprietor out of business -- that he accidentally started World War 3... After embezzling Ukraine and Russia via software hacks and his well-placed villains in the FDIC in San Francisco, he decided to "rob the planet Earth."
This just in: Apparently, World War 3 had more to do with Mark Zuckerberg dodging a lawsuit and covering up how he raped a baby in a sauna in Sweden than anything else. This is outrageous...
This just in: Creepy politicians with an irrational fear of video games don't seem to understand that boosting the amplitude on electronic jammers can be nullified by narrowing the grid size of a Faraday cage -- or, just replacing it entirely with aluminum foil. Stay tf out of people's lives. Obey The Bill of Rights or bad things happen.
This just in: So-called "organized crime rings" specializing in "stealing" catalytic converters are actually foreign invaders from India specializing in sabotaging US citizen's lives and vehicles. A brand new catalytic converter costs anywhere between $30-$200. It's a very inexpensive fix, but the entire point is to hope you don't notice and cause permanent damage to your engine.
This just in: People from India want to sacrifice white people to their creepy false deities. What's even worse is that Taylor Grift has embraced their twisted kah-lee-MAAAH culture, and she's gaying up our young people to JOIN WITH HER.
They are the only people dumb enough to join the KKK anymore. They call the Tennessee population "hillbillies," because they bury your neighborhood in their front yards. They aren't even smart enough to not leave a mound.
This just in: It turns out that the Baptist church IS NOT the KKK (#surprisedface), despite the taylorfoolery and tomfoolery... It appears to be comprised mostly of Swedish immigrants from the past 100 years. They try to fool people into blaming The Catholic Church by wearing ridiculous hats and hiring middle easterners who can pass as Italians (sort of). That King Adolf sure is diabolical... #whistleface (we really need a whistleface emoji)
This just in: The details surrounding World War 2 have been obscured over the years. Swedes, Swiss, and Italians took advantage of the economic collapse of Germany after World War 1, and took over the German government, persecuting the native German population. Russians did the same thing from the east, of a slightly different ethos -- under the philosophy of Orthodox Catholocism. The invaders called anyone who held The Ten Commandments "Jews," while it was the invaders themselves who were robbing the native population blind. Racketeering Albert Einstein and his legacy to continue robbing him was one of the main goals of the invasion. Einstein's escape and my grandfather (Sr.) arriving in Germany helped to end that war. Einstein escaped years before then, but the legacy he left behind was being rummaged through by the foreign invaders.
Historically, The Italian and Japanese cultures were empirical in nature. Racketeering and communism are both military strategies in times of war. Communism is not a legitimate form of government. Both cultures appreciate The Catholic ethos of persecuting (crucifying) leaders in an invaded territory to assist in conquering the region with a combination of racketeering and communism, while risking fewer invading troops' lives. They manipulate the economy to pilfer the gold, along with other resources, and send it back to their homeland. The Russians are very similar in times of war, and their Orthodoxy is almost indistinguishable. The USA is similar in times of war, as well. Both Iraq and Afghanistan learned how we pilfered them and destroyed their culture. They did the same to us in retaliation. People of all races and cultures are more similar than you may think. They may be waging war on your homeland. So-called "newcomers" are not always peaceful immigrants.
After Einstein escaped, The Manhattan Project began in New Mexico. Around the same time, the Japanese got The USA involved in the war by feuding with us over the Hawaiian Islands. Hawaii is still a warzone to this day.
The USA undergoing similar economic troubles as Germany from the aftermath of 9/11 led to a similar invasion. Pinch your buttcheeks together -- it's not over yet.
This just in: New reports claim that congress is losing their salary -- both the senate and the house of representatives will no longer have paid positions (it's not really a job, guys -- you're supposed to be leaders in your communities, not phony-bologna identity thieves who "Taylor" grift your neighborhood band).
Throwback news from fall 2021: Nobody stole Taylor Grift's songbook. She's never written a song in her life, and she's a way bigger grifter than you have any idea.
This just in: Discrepancies in music sales revenue led to losers trying to murder the whole planet Earth. Tim Cook is implicated.
This just in: Accounting errors at Apple, Inc. and Intuit, Inc. (in the same neighborhood, with the Iranian CEO) lead traders to speculate to the downside. Chicago Bears investigate.
This just in: People who know nothing about transducing energy, i.e., energy conversion, enjoy killing people who know a lot about transducing clean energy in The USA. #keepthemiddleeastoutofoilrefineries (actually, how about just #keepthemiddleeastoutofnorthamericacompletely).
This just in: Democracy is a farce -- weak politicians kill or lock up alpha males at a young age. Otherwise, they would never get elected. The movie business is similar. When they get desperate and can't get rid of you, they racketeer your life away with communism, splitting aspects of your identity up to their crony bolognas.
This just in: New Yorkers need to stay in their league, i.e., stay the hell away from me, you psychos.
This just in: Same for people from California, you stalker creeps.
This just in: Proctor and Gamble are under investigation for topical poisons on Old Spice deodorant.
This just in: Chicken-shits in the business community in The USA need to stop bowing and scraping to foreign invaders.
Throwback news from 2 years ago at the Grammy's: Democracy died when dumb musicians thought they were royalty or something and could murda-racket yo neighborhood with no consequences.
This just in: Guys who mess with another man's vehicle are too gay to fight.
This just in: Just give me my goddamned settlement already. I already won. Zuckerberg forfeit by not returning paperwork within the 21 days. I never got anything back from him. It has been two months now, Mark -- you lose -- pay up. When I had my courier serve him, it was notorized.
The settlement is a larger amount of money than Meta, Inc makes in ANY quarter, much less the fiscal year, so you're better off making Mark pay it. It was all kind of his fault anyway.
This just in: The whole planet Earth saw the injunction. Stop pretending harrassment had anything to do with anything.
This just in: Pretending to be other people is for losers and communists.
This just in: In their efforts to maximize profits, the music "business" has sucked all the soul and joy out of making music. People don't even bother anymore, besides the most sociopathic among us, and most of them aren't even musicians -- they rob a beat from a dead man and vocoder over it.
This just in: The US Congress is considering invading Alberta, Canada.
This just in: New York might as well be Zimbabwe to most people.
This just in: Black people were joining the KKK as black klansmen last year in record numbers.
This just in: NASA is now going by the name, "Government Sanctioned KKK," or GSK for short.
This just in: Slavery was abolished after The Civil War when Abraham Lincoln ratified the 13th Amendment in 1865.
This just in: Corpus Christi, Texas residents are terrified of vaginas. In fact, they are willing to murder the whole planet to keep Corpus Christi vagina-free. They tolerate hookers, but that's about it... Why did I move here?
This just in: Nancy Grace, or as the young ladies call her, "Ursula," is being investigated for being an accessory to multiple homicides -- quite a few more than you might think. CNN has begun calling themselves "Nancy Boys."
This just in: Openly gay Anderson Cooper is tied to the same crime ring as Nancy and the Nancy Boys...
This just in: Wolf Blitzer's real name is something much different. "Wolf" is his mobster name.
In other news: Maria Bartiromo, colloquially referred to by co-anchors of "Fox and Friends" as Ghonorrea Fartiromo (because her farts and queefs smell so terrible) ordered a hit (or, contract killing) on me, personally, back in 2021. This led to the infamous "wack-a-doodle" emails and Rupert Murdoch's expulsion from North America and Fox.
Throwback news: The US Armed Forces used to discharge gays in San Francisco for being so gay. That's how that city got so gay in the first place. Little did they know, they would force us to hang out with all of them on the internet someday...
Once I launch N the Clique™ next year, nobody will force you to tolerate a bunch of homos, dummies, nerds, or old people. You can hang out with whoever will tolerate you. Read the rules please. One of the first rules is "don't be a dick." That is the only rule which will be interpreted liberally. Snowflakes need not apply. You have to meet in person, first, however, using my patent-pending technology, with mutual approval on the spot. If you separate positionally, you'll have to try to hang out with them again next time. Don't let nerds, dummies, old people and homos ruin your social life.
This just in: Nerds, dummies, old people, and gays make heterosexuals miserable. You ruin good-looking people's sex lives. Go away. If you fall under any of these categories and are related to single heterosexuals, I have a bit of advice for you: be a decent family member at weddings, funerals, and Thanksgivings -- other than that, please go far, far, away... Stay out of their careers, too.
This just in: Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly hired murder rackets in so many different cities in so many different countries, that he started World War 3, and it is still ongoing, since he is still at large.
This just in: Air B&B wants to "murda racket yo neighborhood" with sublets, while Mark Zuckerberg covers it all up with money in the media.
This just in: "Elon Musk" apparently murdered half of Twitter when he took over the company in a hostile manner. Apparently, the former CEO, Jack Dorsey, had some bodyguard problems as a result.
This just in: Iron Man defeated Voltron...
This just in: Elon Musk, the formerly balding, former CEO of the company formerly known as Twitter has poked around in Brazilian politics a little more than Brazil is comfortable with. It would appear that his meddling was not limited to The USA and Argentina. Brazil is now taking steps toward banning X (Twitter) from Brazil, and more countries are taking notice. [Update, a few hours later on 8/30/24: X is officially banned in Brazil.]
This just in: Elon Musk made his first money in America by being a "Hair Club for Men" model. That's how he got started...
This just in: Lawyers ain't too smart. They've mistaken their mild retardation for confirmation bias.
This just in: "Elon Musk's" arraignment hearing for obstruction of justice at an obscene level is coming sooner than Nancy Grace is comfortable with...
This just in: Horse thief "Elon Musk" seems to think everyone is a horse thief, because he's such a horse thief...
This just in: Professional atheletes who played leadership positions have decided that they will have to run for public office after retiring, because most current politicians are terrible leaders who do not want the team to win...
This just in: A new web show entitled, "Neighborhood Stalker Creeps" is coming soon to Prometheus-Studios™
This just in: The company formerly known as facebook is now going by "the gas company" or "gasmeup.com"
This just in: All cover stories about my lawsuit will be vetoed until I see some cash.
This just in: Literally every problem on planet Earth is Mark Zuckerberg's fault, until he pays me my settlement in full.
This just in: Stop hiding people, you idiots -- you're screwing up their careers and lawsuits really really badly. I'll probably sue you for defamation once I'm done with them, because you're making this lawsuit so much worse than it ever should have been.
This just in: Openly gay Tim Cook is a lot better at picking fights than actually fighting, cus he so gay bro. Apparently, him and the Intel guy give each other blowies in the Intel guy's private plane all the time.
This just in: Dennis Leary, from Timothy-Leary-crime-family-acid-dealing-to-little-kids fame was caught singing "I'm an Asshole" back in the 1990's (long before my time). Recently, he has enjoyed calling people who live over a thousand miles away and whom he has never met before an "asshole."
Somebody tell Dennis to roll over and die, so I can have all of his money. If he refuses, call him an asshole for me. Thanks.
This just in: Nobody has cared about the so-called "rap industry" for over a decade, and that's not even remotely what my lawsuit against Mark Zuckerberg is about. I had to rap for him ("Tha Zuckaburgla," hard copy available soon upon return of the [Indie] Jam Land™), because he refused to rap, even though he wanted to pretend this was a "rap beef." I don't appreciate him dragging the entire planet(also known as racketeering) into this lawsuit, when it is me vs him.
There's always at least one pussy-boy in a war...
This just in: Donald Trump is winning by a landslide (make sure you vote in person in October/November -- the post office is an absolute trainwreck). Luckily, he avoided peer pressure, and "Elon Musk" will not be on his cabinet, according to our most recent report.
This just in: The CEO of Telegram app just got arrested for distribution of minor porn or something similar...
This just in: The instagram owner bought instagram so he can "gaze" at little boys all day.
This just in: Sorry facebook, but some mushroom clouds are just too big for Americans to cover up for you...
This just in: AIDS patients often blame their medical problems on innocent bystanders, so they can get laid and spread AIDS.
This just in: A blonde grandma in Tennessee got ran over by a reindeer...
This just in: Several post-doctoral researchers in Germany have admitted guilt in World War Three by censoring relevant information on Stack Exchange for money...
This just in: Certain newscasters on oldschool-type cable networks have been reported to be suffering from night sweats. We're going to have to do the right thing and examine their stool to make sure they do not exhibit more symptoms of HIV.
This just in: Elon Musk admitted to being a charlatan today, and decided he will no longer pretend to be an engineer.
I have a question for extremely wealthy serial killers: Why would you murda racket my neighborhood, if you're just going to drive stock Camaros? You don't even supe them up. You don't even know how to spend the money you embezzle from me...
This just in: People who speak your native language well are not necessarily your countrymen.
Throwback news from Spring of 2021: I've only been to Chicago once (besides two layovers which I'm not counting) for just a few hours. I thought it might have been a decent place to sell a car and catch a flight, but I was wrong, and I left immediately and decided to do that in Omaha. I don't know anybody in Chicago, and I never have.
This just in: Apparently, homosexuality is good for Facebook's bottom dollar, because heterosexual men hate other men.
*cue Fozzy the bear ooooooh sound*
This just in: Creepy Silicon Valley Satan worshiper cultists pray to their creepy cult to murder racket their families away...
This just in: No one will ever take competitive gaming seriously ever again.
This just in: King Adolf of Sweden is preparing some sort of public apology and confession. No one is certain of the details yet.
This just in: Looking good does not give you permission to be a total bitch. I'd say there are approximately 300 million dateable females on planet Earth. Are you one of them?
This just in: Earth is getting super boring, and people wanna leave. Check out the season finale, episode 7, of Astronaut Training™, coming soon. Seasons 2 and 3 are already in the works. Once the physical server transition is complete, an entire streaming platform will be released, including rights to over 77 feature films.
This just in: "Prometheus Studios" will eventually be a Kodi Channel, and you won't have to look at those old people on cable anymore.
This just in: Nancy Grace is being investigated for multiple counts of conspiracy to commit murder. Leave people's families alone, Nancy. Go to prison.
This just in: Nancy's co-conspirators call themselves "Nancy Boys."
This just in: Unconfirmed rumors about Ted Turner's ranch speak of a "bone mill" where he mills the bones of his latest victims who know too much...
This just in: The US Air Force apparently thinks helping foreign billionaires to embezzle taxpayers for a living is their life calling.
Only in America can a teenage-heart-throb lose a popularity contest with a South African transvestite...
This just in: Silicon Valley Nerds are so much easier to sue now that I have utterly decimated their reputations with reprisal. Notice that I called it reprisal, so it is not admissable in court.
This just in: The Ku Klux Klan is a lynch mob with a coverup agenda. Oh wait, we already knew that.
Multilingual assassins during World War 3 often pretend to immigrate from a nation to which they have no ties. Many nations are hostile to The USA right now, due to all of the wars in recent decades. It is better not to make new friends on the internet or trust people you don't know very well in person, during times of war -- in fact, this is a good policy even in times of peace.
This just in: This entire movement was only about getting my money back. That is all. I want my money back. Mine. I want it. Now. That, and go away stalker weirdos. I don't like you.
This just in: It was Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with the candlestick. I'm just joking. Mark Zuckerberg actually owes me a lot of money, and World War 3 is getting really old -- he needs to stop murdering the whole planet Earth. God bless America.
This just in: Tryhards near the Stanford area are having difficulty understanding why people are better than them at things.
Let's see if The Grinch in Silicon Valley steals Christmas for the eighth year in a row...
Since the only appeal of facebook is the mafia mini-game, and they force the entire planet to use facebook, the entire planet is married to the mob...
This just in: Iraqis pretend to be from Baku, Azerbaijan -- the dumping grounds of The Middle East -- so they don't have to admit they're from Iraq.
This just in: The so-called "internet-of-things," along with c-grade acting, i.e. charlatanism, is now the root of all communism...
This just in: Whores have taken over The USA, leaving destruction in their wake. In all seriousness, you need to invest time and care into your man, or he'll find someone else. You're not getting an allowance, but he might buy you everything you could ever want.
Throwback news from about 4,000 years ago: People didn't understand that the Ten Commandments were actually a list of things that people just might kill you over.
This just in: Jamón continues writing checks that won't clear, as he hides from the facebook gestapo.
Throwback news from the birth of a dead language: Gestapo means "time cop" in Italian...
#notinmybackyard
War is apparently easier for Americans to talk about than sex trafficking, pedophilia, slavery, and mass genocide, so it's easier for Americans to just admit that "Elon Musk" and South Africa waged war on America than deal with the elephant in the room.
I've got a bit of a throwback update for you today... I don't know why no one talks about it, but California is on fire all the time, because everybody hates Mark Zuckerberg's guts.
This just in: Joe Biden failed at democracy today...
This just in: Another cereal industry rap artist moved in on Collins St yesterday... No one knows why they would scare all the vaginas away, if they were heterosexual.
Here's some throwback news from 1776: The Declaration of Independence states, and I quote, "we not only have the right but we also have the duty to alter or abolish any government that does not secure our unalienable rights, including life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
This just in: white supremacists in the KKK worship muslim extremists. They hire middle eastern invaders to murda racket yo neighborhood. Stop killing smart people, please. Stay on the dum dum side of town.
This just in: Dum dums in North America have become exceedingly dangerous due to their sheer numbers... Hide yo kids, hide yo wife...
This just in: Healthy foods make dum dums turn homosexual. Make sure they don't eat healthy, or they become more dangerous.
My fans need a come to Jesus meeting about careers. People who have ACTUAL careers, don't want to do business with career criminals. I am a self-made multimillionaire (equity =/= cash), and I would like to take the opportunity to thank all of the gold-digger women out there for weeding themselves out of the dating pool. Thank you.
This just in: Iron Man defeated Voltron...
This just in: Elon Musk, the formerly balding, former CEO of the company formerly known as Twitter has poked around in Brazilian politics a little more than Brazil is comfortable with. It would appear that his meddling was not limited to The USA and Argentina. Brazil is now taking steps toward banning X (Twitter) from Brazil, and more countries are taking notice. [Update, a few hours later on 8/30/24: X is officially banned in Brazil.]
This just in: Elon Musk made his first money in America by being a "Hair Club for Men" model. That's how he got started...
This just in: Lawyers ain't too smart. They've mistaken their mild retardation for confirmation bias.
This just in: "Elon Musk's" arraignment hearing for obstruction of justice at an obscene level is coming sooner than Nancy Grace is comfortable with...
This just in: Horse thief "Elon Musk" seems to think everyone is a horse thief, because he's such a horse thief...
This just in: Professional atheletes who played leadership positions have decided that they will have to run for public office after retiring, because most current politicians are terrible leaders who do not want the team to win...
This just in: A new web show entitled, "Neighborhood Stalker Creeps" is coming soon to Prometheus-Studios™
This just in: The company formerly known as facebook is now going by "the gas company" or "gasmeup.com"
This just in: All cover stories about my lawsuit will be vetoed until I see some cash.
This just in: Literally every problem on planet Earth is Mark Zuckerberg's fault, until he pays me my settlement in full.
This just in: Stop hiding people, you idiots -- you're screwing up their careers and lawsuits really really badly. I'll probably sue you for defamation once I'm done with them, because you're making this lawsuit so much worse than it ever should have been.
This just in: Openly gay Tim Cook is a lot better at picking fights than actually fighting, cus he so gay bro. Apparently, him and the Intel guy give each other blowies in the Intel guy's private plane all the time.
This just in: Dennis Leary, from Timothy-Leary-crime-family-acid-dealing-to-little-kids fame was caught singing "I'm an Asshole" back in the 1990's (long before my time). Recently, he has enjoyed calling people who live over a thousand miles away and whom he has never met before an "asshole."
Somebody tell Dennis to roll over and die, so I can have all of his money. If he refuses, call him an asshole for me. Thanks.
This just in: Nobody has cared about the so-called "rap industry" for over a decade, and that's not even remotely what my lawsuit against Mark Zuckerberg is about. I had to rap for him ("Tha Zuckaburgla," hard copy available soon upon return of the [Indie] Jam Land™), because he refused to rap, even though he wanted to pretend this was a "rap beef." I don't appreciate him dragging the entire planet(also known as racketeering) into this lawsuit, when it is me vs him.
There's always at least one pussy-boy in a war...
This just in: Donald Trump is winning by a landslide (make sure you vote in person in October/November -- the post office is an absolute trainwreck). Luckily, he avoided peer pressure, and "Elon Musk" will not be on his cabinet, according to our most recent report.
This just in: The CEO of Telegram app just got arrested for distribution of minor porn or something similar...
This just in: The instagram owner bought instagram so he can "gaze" at little boys all day.
This just in: Sorry facebook, but some mushroom clouds are just too big for Americans to cover up for you...
This just in: AIDS patients often blame their medical problems on innocent bystanders, so they can get laid and spread AIDS.
This just in: A blonde grandma in Tennessee got ran over by a reindeer...
This just in: Several post-doctoral researchers in Germany have admitted guilt in World War Three by censoring relevant information on Stack Exchange for money...
This just in: Certain newscasters on oldschool-type cable networks have been reported to be suffering from night sweats. We're going to have to do the right thing and examine their stool to make sure they do not exhibit more symptoms of HIV.
This just in: Elon Musk admitted to being a charlatan today, and decided he will no longer pretend to be an engineer.
I have a question for extremely wealthy serial killers: Why would you murda racket my neighborhood, if you're just going to drive stock Camaros? You don't even supe them up. You don't even know how to spend the money you embezzle from me...
This just in: People who speak your native language well are not necessarily your countrymen.
Throwback news from Spring of 2021: I've only been to Chicago once (besides two layovers which I'm not counting) for just a few hours. I thought it might have been a decent place to sell a car and catch a flight, but I was wrong, and I left immediately and decided to do that in Omaha. I don't know anybody in Chicago, and I never have.
This just in: Apparently, homosexuality is good for Facebook's bottom dollar, because heterosexual men hate other men.
*cue Fozzy the bear ooooooh sound*
This just in: Creepy Silicon Valley Satan worshiper cultists pray to their creepy cult to murder racket their families away...
This just in: No one will ever take competitive gaming seriously ever again.
This just in: King Adolf of Sweden is preparing some sort of public apology and confession. No one is certain of the details yet.
This just in: Looking good does not give you permission to be a total bitch. I'd say there are approximately 300 million dateable females on planet Earth. Are you one of them?
This just in: Earth is getting super boring, and people wanna leave. Check out the season finale, episode 7, of Astronaut Training™, coming soon. Seasons 2 and 3 are already in the works. Once the physical server transition is complete, an entire streaming platform will be released, including rights to over 77 feature films.
This just in: "Prometheus Studios" will eventually be a Kodi Channel, and you won't have to look at those old people on cable anymore.
This just in: Nancy Grace is being investigated for multiple counts of conspiracy to commit murder. Leave people's families alone, Nancy. Go to prison.
This just in: Nancy's co-conspirators call themselves "Nancy Boys."
This just in: Unconfirmed rumors about Ted Turner's ranch speak of a "bone mill" where he mills the bones of his latest victims who know too much...
This just in: The US Air Force apparently thinks helping foreign billionaires to embezzle taxpayers for a living is their life calling.
Only in America can a teenage-heart-throb lose a popularity contest with a South African transvestite...
This just in: Silicon Valley Nerds are so much easier to sue now that I have utterly decimated their reputations with reprisal. Notice that I called it reprisal, so it is not admissable in court.
This just in: The Ku Klux Klan is a lynch mob with a coverup agenda. Oh wait, we already knew that.
Multilingual assassins during World War 3 often pretend to immigrate from a nation to which they have no ties. Many nations are hostile to The USA right now, due to all of the wars in recent decades. It is better not to make new friends on the internet or trust people you don't know very well in person, during times of war -- in fact, this is a good policy even in times of peace.
This just in: This entire movement was only about getting my money back. That is all. I want my money back. Mine. I want it. Now. That, and go away stalker weirdos. I don't like you.
This just in: It was Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with the candlestick. I'm just joking. Mark Zuckerberg actually owes me a lot of money, and World War 3 is getting really old -- he needs to stop murdering the whole planet Earth. God bless America.
This just in: Tryhards near the Stanford area are having difficulty understanding why people are better than them at things.
Let's see if The Grinch in Silicon Valley steals Christmas for the eighth year in a row...
Since the only appeal of facebook is the mafia mini-game, and they force the entire planet to use facebook, the entire planet is married to the mob...
This just in: Iraqis pretend to be from Baku, Azerbaijan -- the dumping grounds of The Middle East -- so they don't have to admit they're from Iraq.
This just in: The so-called "internet-of-things," along with c-grade acting, i.e. charlatanism, is now the root of all communism...
This just in: Whores have taken over The USA, leaving destruction in their wake. In all seriousness, you need to invest time and care into your man, or he'll find someone else. You're not getting an allowance, but he might buy you everything you could ever want.
Throwback news from about 4,000 years ago: People didn't understand that the Ten Commandments were actually a list of things that people just might kill you over.
This just in: Jamón continues writing checks that won't clear, as he hides from the facebook gestapo.
Throwback news from the birth of a dead language: Gestapo means "time cop" in Italian...
#notinmybackyard
War is apparently easier for Americans to talk about than sex trafficking, pedophilia, slavery, and mass genocide, so it's easier for Americans to just admit that "Elon Musk" and South Africa waged war on America than deal with the elephant in the room.
I've got a bit of a throwback update for you today... I don't know why no one talks about it, but California is on fire all the time, because everybody hates Mark Zuckerberg's guts.
This just in: Joe Biden failed at democracy today...
This just in: Another cereal industry rap artist moved in on Collins St yesterday... No one knows why they would scare all the vaginas away, if they were heterosexual.
Here's some throwback news from 1776: The Declaration of Independence states, and I quote, "we not only have the right but we also have the duty to alter or abolish any government that does not secure our unalienable rights, including life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
This just in: white supremacists in the KKK worship muslim extremists. They hire middle eastern invaders to murda racket yo neighborhood. Stop killing smart people, please. Stay on the dum dum side of town.
This just in: Dum dums in North America have become exceedingly dangerous due to their sheer numbers... Hide yo kids, hide yo wife...
This just in: Healthy foods make dum dums turn homosexual. Make sure they don't eat healthy, or they become more dangerous.
My fans need a come to Jesus meeting about careers. People who have ACTUAL careers, don't want to do business with career criminals. I am a self-made multimillionaire (equity =/= cash), and I would like to take the opportunity to thank all of the gold-digger women out there for weeding themselves out of the dating pool. Thank you.
This just in: Slavering rabid old people are suffering from lead poisoning, magnetite poisoning, mercury poisoning, and cadmium poisoning. Titanium (II) oxide will spontaneously turn the toxins into harmless impurities via a solvent-assisted exothermic reaction. High doses of vitamin C (ascorbic acid) and niacin (nicotenic acid or vitamin B3) will then dissolve the impurities. Magnetite poisoning of the brain, otherwise known as Alzheimer's Disease (Fe3O4), is perhaps the most dangerous of the three, and can be exothermically changed into ilmenite (FeTiO3) by ingesting small doses of titanium (II) oxide (TiO2) over extended periods of time.
2Fe3O4 + 6TiO2 => 6FeTiO3 + O2
Did I just cure Alzheimer's disease? Yeah, I did like 3 years ago, and you're all too dum dum to know that... That's not even what I'm really well-known for in the scientific community, because it is so trivially simple. Stay out of my career, please, dum dums... That's all I really want... Well, that and winning my lawsuit against the evil one...
Just because it's exothermic, doesn't mean you can just mix it in a beaker. Neither magnetite nor titanium (II) oxide are soluble in water. The product of combining the two is ilmenite (FeTiO3), which is a ceramic. The definition of ceramic is an inorganic material which requires baking to crystalize.
That being said, microdosing TiO2 will eventually react with microcrystalline magnetite (Fe3O4) to form ilmenite over time. Mega dosing vitamin C and niacin, which are both mild acids, will eventually dissolve the ilmenite. Apparently, this information, along with all of the money California owes me, is enough to exascerbate World War 3.
The reactions of TiO2 with other impurities are very similar. Similarly, vitamin C and niacin dissolve those resulting ternary oxides.
Iron supplements, along with high stress levels, will give you Alzheimer's Disease faster than anything. Permanent magnetic dipoles interfere with proper brain function. Faraday's Law, which is a fundamental law of physics, not just a theory, basically states that the curl (a type of mathematic derivative in vector calculus) of an electric field generates the change in a magnetic field over time. Proper brain function requires that as synapses in the brain fire, these fields have limited interference. Alzheimer's disease is the presence of magnetite impurities in the brain, interfering with proper brain function.
If any of you would have actually talked to me in recent years, I would have clarified any questions or confusion immediately, assuming you asked appropriate questions.
The so-called experts in many fields promoted by Silicon Valley often suffer from what is called The Dunning-Kruger Effect, where incompetent people believe to exhibit competence in a particular area, because they don't understand what true competance looks like. Communists enjoy giving their commie buddies credit for other people's work. Unfortunately, both sides of the aisle in congress suffer from this condition. I don't claim to be an expert in web development. I barely even try. However, before the end of the year, upon transition to a physical server, I expect to be an expert. The cloud is a terrible place to store anything of value. My physical server will be encased in a custom fortified concrete safe with an embedded Faraday cage. Please remain patient.
This just in: Dum dums don't actually need a podium.
This just in: Gay people have so much gay stuff to hide that they have to cover up planet Earth.
This just in: Hatorade Games™ will be recruiting streamers to compete with a streaming service which will remain unnamed before the end of the year.
I'll sell custom machines with a custom OS which will be required.
#whataguy
Did he just whataguy himself? I may sponsor you with a free one, depending on how much cash I make in the coming months.
For those who do not follow the laws of gods and men, you may get what you wish for -- just not in the way you desired...
Go home foreign frauds
Rumor has it, the camel intends on hiring a foreign jockey for his cabinet...
This just in: Apparently, your government wants to kill you.
This just in: Taxation without representation has become so prevalent in The USA that rumors of another revolutionary war are circulating among the remaining civilized communities.
This just in: Old people want to torture young people, even though their weiners don't work anymore, and they just sit around and watch TV all day with the money they rob.
This just in: The son of a preecha-man is singin like a canary...
This just in: The rap "industry" is not actually an industry -- it's barely even a business. It's more of a crime syndicate that pushes out propaganda and makes zero legitimate income. It's run by stalker dum dums and homosexuals who won't go away. The women are kind of scared of how stupid and gay they are.
This just in: I made way more money and got laid way more before I was famous...
That's right, dum dums... youda problem. Now, go away already...
George W. Bush destroyed his reputation on July 14th last month when The Patriot Act was bastardized into some sort of communist playtoy for making crossbows on the internet.
For the love of God, somebody tell Donald Trump that "Elon Musk" is a foreign slave-trading transvestite, and if he winds up anywhere near the Oval Office, it'll start a revolutionary war. This is non-negotiable.
Throwback news from circa 0 AD: Jesus said, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven." I would like the tax collectors in San Francisco and New York City to be aware of the precarious situation that they have put themselves in. #taxationwithoutrepresentation
This just in: Tiananmen Square in Communist San Francisco's Chinatown district is barbecuing more humans for a living...
Mark Zuckerberg has been excommunicated by Israel.
Twitterspace tranny-worshippers have decided to try to grow beards again.
This just in: Facebook employees are too anti-social to answer the phone. Why do they run a social media app?
This just in: Elon Musk brought home a serial killer from one of his tranny sex parties and was killed in his own home. The end. That was apparently a false report. He has actually decided to move his punk ass back to South Africa, because everybody hates him for not paying his invoices.
This just in: Gavin Newsom has reported that Charles Manson's old cell is made up special for Mark Zuckerberg.
Certain unnamed ne'er-do-wells have resorted to calling facebook, "playpretend.com"
This just in: Seth McFarlane got frisked at Chucky Cheese for banana smuggling (they don't allow outside food).
This just in: People actually appreciate apologies and/or explanations for their behavior more than you might think -- sometimes, they even fish for them.
This just in: Tillman Fertitta seems to think slaughtering young ladies is acceptable in North America. Go back to Iraq, loser.
This just in: The FBI has been "getting rid" of prominent citizens, and replacing them with super villains for years now.
This just in: People have decided to respect Jack Andrews' professional opinion, since he dropped out of my high school years ago.
This just in: Pretending people are dead is a great way to get yourself dead.
This just in: Your government wants to rob you.
This just in: The US Military has been reported to have been planning a retirement party for Joe Biden. Joe was seen making plans to sweep up his front porch at his retirement cottage.
This just in: Americans need to stop embarassing America...
Hey guys, let's invade from Iraq, sticky-mart the USA, and pretend we're US Military...
This just in: Dumb Iraqis who live in Vegas apparently think it's a smart move to threaten internationally reknowned scientists in their own country. You ought to do something about that cough. It sounds eerily like dumb-towlie-dead-towlie syndrome.
The ban on towels has become the towlie-ban... Dun, dun, duuunnnnnnnnnn!
Throwback news update: Every war in the middle east that we were involved in was a result of biochemical warfare.
How many times do I have to tell the gay mafia that people don't like you and to go away. People want their money back -- they don't want stalker gayboys coming around.
Why can't we have a decent candidate for any public office? Because dumb gangbangers keep showing up to every political party convention. Why don't you idiots check them for voter registration cards to keep the felons and foreigners out...
This just in: Ted Cruz doesn't have a voter registration card...
Beetlejuice >> Ted Cruz.
Beetlejuice is an American, and he has all of his teeth. Ted Cruz is a fictional character from God-knows-where.
Beetlejuice was talking me up with Howard Stern the other day. That's more than I can say for Ted Cruz.
This just in: Ted Cruz interprets the constitution liberally, because he is obviously not a naturalized-born citizen...
This just in: Ted Cruz is dumb enough to think no one has seen "Top Gun." Apparently, so is local idiot "Elon Musk."
This just in: When the old, gay, weak, lame, and stupid can steal from the strong so easily, communism is out of control...
This just in: Many old-timer politicians, including Donald Trump and Joe Biden, can't read or write. They would rather watch the world burn to conceal their illiteracy. Kamala Harris doesn't have a greencard -- she's from India. #mindblown
I just took a meme of her down, because I don't like playing dirty. I'm a little ashamed of my countrymen for letting her get away with all of this though. #donttreadonme
This just in: The governor of Texas had some appropriate comments about the legal community. It looks like he isn't Canadian like the rest of the Capital.
SpaceX's low-altitude satellites (otherwise known as "Skynet," a la Terminator series) are being decommissioned, effective immediately, because they are incapable of locating Mark Zuckerberg and destroying him. As spy technology, it appears to be more effective for America's enemies than its allies, as proven in the war in Ukraine. The Space Force has resorted to using physical nets, large enough to counter their defensive dodging mechanisms, to take them out of the sky.
This just in: Both major political parties in The USA -- Democrats and Republicans -- have been taken over by foreigners from different regions. Russia has taken over The Republican Party, and India has taken over The Democratic Party. Italy and Japan are reaping the rewards. Pray for The USA...
This just in: The Google CEO picked a name no one on planet Earth can remember so he can get away with super villainry in your bank account. Oh, and let's be clear -- his floors are sticky with blood, not slushies.
This just in: Foreign CEOs Pichai Sundararajan and "Elon Musk" DNS bash your pvp queues on video games for a living. This is just one moderately harmless example (random internet people don't need any ideas) of how they DNS bash Americans to death. There are many other much more deadly DNS bashing techniques they employ to destroy American lives, and our elected officials aren't securing our rights effectively as citizens from foreign threats. The Declaration of Independence (full resolution image pdf download) states that it is our duty as citizens to overthrow a government which does not secure our inalienable rights. Let's hope elected officials take our country and its bylaws more seriously after the next election.
This just in: NYC suddenly blames Silicon Valley nerds for 9/11 for some reason.
This just in: Politicians in Washington DC have been failing the pop quizzes on The Bill of Rights smashingly.
This just in: Nobody in North America takes anything seriously, so I have to joke the news about the bug-people-invasion war to you.
Bug people definition from my TikTok update approximately 2.5 years ago: When they're not bugging your phones, they're bugging your software, or they just show right up and bug the hell out of you. Sometimes, they spread actual bugs (insects) or other parasites in your community. That is, when they aren't trying to bugger you in the ass...
credit where it's due, I got a tip from Louisiana on this meme
I have a homework assignment for the Elon Musk crowd. Please determine whether he is a transexual, transvestite, or the other trans thing, whatever the hell that is. We need to find out what's down there, if he's going to be beardless in America for this many years.
This just in: Donald Trump Don Quixote'd his last windmill... Wind and solar energy generation are actually not the root of all evil...
This just in: I'm the only eligible bachelor left on planet Earth, because you're all dumb enough to gay the whole planet.
This just in: NASA nerds have decided that SpaceX has to pay me the $230,000 (minimum, by federal law) that infamous beardless tranny "Elon Musk" owes me for software copyright infringement, or they'll cancel their contract with him (them?).
This just in: "Elon Musk" is obviously a fake name, so I'm going to kick his punk ass around, until I figure out who he is, and beat my money back out of his old dumb tranny punk ass...
On this day in history in 1937: Nazi Germany began accusing Jews of meddling with their bank accounts illegally.
This just in: The so-called "mafia," aka hostile overseas invaders, began licking their wounds this morning and crawling back into their shitholes where they belong.
This just in: Something smells fishy down there, Elon... and it ain't that trout...
This just in: Silicon Valley nerds have dubbed themselves the "Snowflake-Homo-Unit Defenders," otherwise known as "SHUD." They have resorted to chanting "SHUD UP" to rally their homosexual moon units into position.
Kamala Harris was reported to have been chanting, "kah-lee-maaah, kah-lee-maaaaah, kah-lee-maaaaaaaaaaah" in a temple of doom-esque manner as she insinuated that killing white people is perfect for her reputation right now.
This just in: Mark Zuckerberg is reported to have been leading the "Palestinian protests" at universities around the country. Many college students were reported to have witnessed events over spring break 2024 which Mark Zuckerberg needed to cover up with Palestinian mercenaries (this one is not intended to be funny -- this was actually tragic...). The endless slaughter of innocent civilians needs to stop, and Mark Zuckerberg needs to be brought to justice.
This just in: Charlie Daniels (if that was his real name), the moderately-beloved actor from "Always Sunny in Philidelphia" was killed after mopping up the bar in Corpus Christi, Texas around 3 or 4 am, Tuesday, August 13th, 2024. What he was doing in South Texas is anyone's guess. There you go, Charlie. Now, you can "get outta this." RIP...
This just in: Charlie Daniels was apparently killed by one of Elon Musk's goons for selling his chief of staff "bad dope."
Or, or, oooooorrrrrr... was it actually just rackets on rackets, like I said it was last year. Just pay me what you owe me, you idiots. You're making fools of yourselves.
Black guys from Virginia Beach are enough to make any white man racist, even if not previously.
This just in: When Hunter Biden got accused of a murder racket on a neighborhood, he was quoted as saying, "I learned it from watching you, Dad!"
This just in: Mark Cuban is fake news for Mark Zuckerberg's old nickname, "Mark Cuban." People called him that, because he's such a communist tyrannical serial killer for the cereal industry.
This just in: Everyone Mark Zuckerberg has ever known has resorted to telling him, "I told you so..."
This just in: Mark Zuckerberg has so many boyfriends, that he thinks all men want boyfriends for a living...
This just in: Mark Zuckerberg smells like low-T old people smell.
This just in: Mark Zuckerberg reportedly doesn't even have an $11.1 billion net worth. He was just joshin ya. I'll take everything he has then. Let's see how long that nerd survives on the streets.
This just in: People have resorted to calling Mark Zuckerberg a "loose end" in everybody's life story that needs to be tied up in order to end World War 3.
Lawyers in North America have resorted to careers as charlatans, because they are too shy to litigate.
This just in: the LBGayWTF community needs another San Francisco, because it's apparently too expensive there for their Sodom and Gamora crowd.
This just in: Career criminals apparently don't understand why people with ACTUAL career plans don't want anything to do with them.
Throwback news update: Donald Trump apparently thought it was a great idea to defund the police and let serial killers out of prison. Thanks, Mr. President. Thaaaaaannnnnks. Kamala Harris wants to back up Silicon Valley serial killers on every genocidal decision they make. Greeaaaaaaaaaat..... Now, who do we vote for... We so screwed bro....
This just in: Colleges across the nation are differentiating between Western European Caucasians and Middle Eastern Caucasians on admission applications for good reason. No offense, but please stay in The Middle East, no matter which side of The Gaza Strip is your homeland. Get your region stable, before you go ANYWHERE. You guys look uncivilized to the whole damn planet. Evolve first, before venturing forth. Thank you -- don't come back.
This just in: "Elon Musk" destroyed civilization in North America. We'll have to revert back to a feudal society. RIP everybody's hopes and dreams.
News flash: no one wants to work with Silicon Valley homos ever again. Our phones will last long enough until we make new ones. No one actually needs you. *sadface* You guys did this to yourselves -- you shouldn't have been such crooks.
This just in: Openly gay homosexuals Tim Cook and Mark Zuckerberg are pretending serial killers are fans of musicians, even though they don't look like 15 year old girls to anyone on planet Earth.
This just in: Nothing has changed in four years -- I still have nothing to lose and everything to gain... If anything, my life is a little better, and I've accumulated a ridiculous amount of equity.
A wise man once said: Stop offending Earthlings, and we'll stop offending you...
This just in: politicians are too embarrassed about how old and weak af they are, so they hire people to sit on the weight machines at the gym, so no one can use them.
Oh no, Marky Manson, aka tha zuckaburgla, aka the dog-fucka-cova-lova, is still on the loose:
Public service announcement: be careful for rattlesnakes in the stormdrains...
Hopefully, my actions today have been enough to broker peace long enough to settle this ridiculous lawsuit, and people can get back to their everyday lives:
Here is a tentative final update on my daily summaries, assuming the media continues to cooperate. Then, I won't have to do their job for them anymore. :) I still update each tab and put a story on the homepage occasionally, though -- at least, until I get my settlement.
Public service announcement, regarding patrols in The Gulf of Mexico north of Corpus Christi, Texas. Hopefully, it's just a drill, folks. Gooooood morning, Vietnam...
Attention -- public service announcement about those electric heaters. Get an oil one instead. The fire hazard is real, if you have gas in your home.
Smile :)
Not to put words in your mouth pal, but just do everybody a favor and have a laugh about it...
I'm going to start doing the news in two minutes or less, every single day, until I get my settlement. I'm going to hit your bottom line in the media, until you start helping me with my lawsuit. I don't care about news broadcasting -- I care about suing Mark Zuckerberg. Unfortunately for you, I'm better at breaking the news than you are, and I WILL hit your bottom line -- I promise you, even if it takes years. :) Check back every day. Bookmark this site.
1/22/24
1/21/24
1/20/24
1/19/24
1/18/24
1/17/24; I skipped yesterday, so I've got a long one for you today (4:11)
1/15/24
1/14/24
1/13/24
1/12/24
© Eyewitness News™, January 2023
News you can use™...
All rights reserved...
eyewitness-news.com
Site designed and hosted by goodcheapsites.com
For those who do not follow the laws of gods and men, you may get what you wish for -- just not in the way you desired...
This just in: Apparently, your government wants to kill you.
This just in: Taxation without representation has become so prevalent in The USA that rumors of another revolutionary war are circulating among the remaining civilized communities.
This just in: Old people want to torture young people, even though their weiners don't work anymore, and they just sit around and watch TV all day with the money they rob.
This just in: The son of a preecha-man is singin like a canary...
This just in: The rap "industry" is not actually an industry -- it's barely even a business. It's more of a crime syndicate that pushes out propaganda and makes zero legitimate income. It's run by stalker dum dums and homosexuals who won't go away. The women are kind of scared of how stupid and gay they are.
This just in: I made way more money and got laid way more before I was famous...
That's right, dum dums... youda problem. Now, go away already...
George W. Bush destroyed his reputation on July 14th last month when The Patriot Act was bastardized into some sort of communist playtoy for making crossbows on the internet.
For the love of God, somebody tell Donald Trump that "Elon Musk" is a foreign slave-trading transvestite, and if he winds up anywhere near the Oval Office, it'll start a revolutionary war. This is non-negotiable.
Throwback news from circa 0 AD: Jesus said, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven." I would like the tax collectors in San Francisco and New York City to be aware of the precarious situation that they have put themselves in. #taxationwithoutrepresentation
This just in: Tiananmen Square in Communist San Francisco's Chinatown district is barbecuing more humans for a living...
Mark Zuckerberg has been excommunicated by Israel.
Twitterspace tranny-worshippers have decided to try to grow beards again.
This just in: Facebook employees are too anti-social to answer the phone. Why do they run a social media app?
This just in:
This just in: Gavin Newsom has reported that Charles Manson's old cell is made up special for Mark Zuckerberg.
Certain unnamed ne'er-do-wells have resorted to calling facebook, "playpretend.com"
This just in: Seth McFarlane got frisked at Chucky Cheese for banana smuggling (they don't allow outside food).
This just in: People actually appreciate apologies and/or explanations for their behavior more than you might think -- sometimes, they even fish for them.
This just in: Tillman Fertitta seems to think slaughtering young ladies is acceptable in North America. Go back to Iraq, loser.
This just in: The FBI has been "getting rid" of prominent citizens, and replacing them with super villains for years now.
This just in: People have decided to respect Jack Andrews' professional opinion, since he dropped out of my high school years ago.
This just in: Pretending people are dead is a great way to get yourself dead.
This just in: Your government wants to rob you.
This just in: The US Military has been reported to have been planning a retirement party for Joe Biden. Joe was seen making plans to sweep up his front porch at his retirement cottage.
This just in: Americans need to stop embarassing America...
Hey guys, let's invade from Iraq, sticky-mart the USA, and pretend we're US Military...
This just in: Dumb Iraqis who live in Vegas apparently think it's a smart move to threaten internationally reknowned scientists in their own country. You ought to do something about that cough. It sounds eerily like dumb-towlie-dead-towlie syndrome.
The ban on towels has become the towlie-ban... Dun, dun, duuunnnnnnnnnn!
Throwback news update: Every war in the middle east that we were involved in was a result of biochemical warfare.
How many times do I have to tell the gay mafia that people don't like you and to go away. People want their money back -- they don't want stalker gayboys coming around.
Why can't we have a decent candidate for any public office? Because dumb gangbangers keep showing up to every political party convention. Why don't you idiots check them for voter registration cards to keep the felons and foreigners out...
This just in: Ted Cruz doesn't have a voter registration card...
Beetlejuice >> Ted Cruz.
Beetlejuice is an American, and he has all of his teeth. Ted Cruz is a fictional character from God-knows-where.
Beetlejuice was talking me up with Howard Stern the other day. That's more than I can say for Ted Cruz.
This just in: Ted Cruz interprets the constitution liberally, because he is obviously not a naturalized-born citizen...
This just in: Ted Cruz is dumb enough to think no one has seen "Top Gun." Apparently, so is local idiot "Elon Musk."
This just in: When the old, gay, weak, lame, and stupid can steal from the strong so easily, communism is out of control...
This just in: Many old-timer politicians, including Donald Trump and Joe Biden, can't read or write. They would rather watch the world burn to conceal their illiteracy. Kamala Harris doesn't have a greencard -- she's from India. #mindblown
I just took a meme of her down, because I don't like playing dirty. I'm a little ashamed of my countrymen for letting her get away with all of this though. #donttreadonme
This just in: The governor of Texas had some appropriate comments about the legal community. It looks like he isn't Canadian like the rest of the Capital.
SpaceX's low-altitude satellites (otherwise known as "Skynet," a la Terminator series) are being decommissioned, effective immediately, because they are incapable of locating Mark Zuckerberg and destroying him. As spy technology, it appears to be more effective for America's enemies than its allies, as proven in the war in Ukraine. The Space Force has resorted to using physical nets, large enough to counter their defensive dodging mechanisms, to take them out of the sky.
This just in: Both major political parties in The USA -- Democrats and Republicans -- have been taken over by foreigners from different regions. Russia has taken over The Republican Party, and India has taken over The Democratic Party. Italy and Japan are reaping the rewards. Pray for The USA...
This just in: The Google CEO picked a name no one on planet Earth can remember so he can get away with super villainry in your bank account. Oh, and let's be clear -- his floors are sticky with blood, not slushies.
This just in: Foreign CEOs Pichai Sundararajan and "Elon Musk" DNS bash your pvp queues on video games for a living. This is just one moderately harmless example (random internet people don't need any ideas) of how they DNS bash Americans to death. There are many other much more deadly DNS bashing techniques they employ to destroy American lives, and our elected officials aren't securing our rights effectively as citizens from foreign threats. The Declaration of Independence (full resolution image pdf download) states that it is our duty as citizens to overthrow a government which does not secure our inalienable rights. Let's hope elected officials take our country and its bylaws more seriously after the next election.
This just in: NYC suddenly blames Silicon Valley nerds for 9/11 for some reason.
This just in: Politicians in Washington DC have been failing the pop quizzes on The Bill of Rights smashingly.
This just in: Nobody in North America takes anything seriously, so I have to joke the news about the bug-people-invasion war to you.
Bug people definition from my TikTok update approximately 2.5 years ago: When they're not bugging your phones, they're bugging your software, or they just show right up and bug the hell out of you. Sometimes, they spread actual bugs (insects) or other parasites in your community. That is, when they aren't trying to bugger you in the ass...
I have a homework assignment for the Elon Musk crowd. Please determine whether he is a transexual, transvestite, or the other trans thing, whatever the hell that is. We need to find out what's down there, if he's going to be beardless in America for this many years.
This just in: Donald Trump Don Quixote'd his last windmill... Wind and solar energy generation are actually not the root of all evil...
This just in: I'm the only eligible bachelor left on planet Earth, because you're all dumb enough to gay the whole planet.
This just in: NASA nerds have decided that SpaceX has to pay me the $230,000 (minimum, by federal law) that infamous beardless tranny "Elon Musk" owes me for software copyright infringement, or they'll cancel their contract with him (them?).
This just in: "Elon Musk" is obviously a fake name, so I'm going to kick his punk ass around, until I figure out who he is, and beat my money back out of his old dumb tranny punk ass...
On this day in history in 1937: Nazi Germany began accusing Jews of meddling with their bank accounts illegally.
This just in: The so-called "mafia," aka hostile overseas invaders, began licking their wounds this morning and crawling back into their shitholes where they belong.
This just in: Something smells fishy down there, Elon... and it ain't that trout...
This just in: Silicon Valley nerds have dubbed themselves the "Snowflake-Homo-Unit Defenders," otherwise known as "SHUD." They have resorted to chanting "SHUD UP" to rally their homosexual moon units into position.
Kamala Harris was reported to have been chanting, "kah-lee-maaah, kah-lee-maaaaah, kah-lee-maaaaaaaaaaah" in a temple of doom-esque manner as she insinuated that killing white people is perfect for her reputation right now.
This just in: Mark Zuckerberg is reported to have been leading the "Palestinian protests" at universities around the country. Many college students were reported to have witnessed events over spring break 2024 which Mark Zuckerberg needed to cover up with Palestinian mercenaries (this one is not intended to be funny -- this was actually tragic...). The endless slaughter of innocent civilians needs to stop, and Mark Zuckerberg needs to be brought to justice.
This just in: Charlie Daniels (if that was his real name), the moderately-beloved actor from "Always Sunny in Philidelphia" was killed after mopping up the bar in Corpus Christi, Texas around 3 or 4 am, Tuesday, August 13th, 2024. What he was doing in South Texas is anyone's guess. There you go, Charlie. Now, you can "get outta this." RIP...
This just in: Charlie Daniels was apparently killed by one of Elon Musk's goons for selling his chief of staff "bad dope."
Or, or, oooooorrrrrr... was it actually just rackets on rackets, like I said it was last year. Just pay me what you owe me, you idiots. You're making fools of yourselves.
Black guys from Virginia Beach are enough to make any white man racist, even if not previously.
This just in: When Hunter Biden got accused of a murder racket on a neighborhood, he was quoted as saying, "I learned it from watching you, Dad!"
This just in: Mark Cuban is fake news for Mark Zuckerberg's old nickname, "Mark Cuban." People called him that, because he's such a communist tyrannical serial killer for the cereal industry.
This just in: Everyone Mark Zuckerberg has ever known has resorted to telling him, "I told you so..."
This just in: Mark Zuckerberg has so many boyfriends, that he thinks all men want boyfriends for a living...
This just in: Mark Zuckerberg smells like low-T old people smell.
This just in: Mark Zuckerberg reportedly doesn't even have an $11.1 billion net worth. He was just joshin ya. I'll take everything he has then. Let's see how long that nerd survives on the streets.
This just in: People have resorted to calling Mark Zuckerberg a "loose end" in everybody's life story that needs to be tied up in order to end World War 3.
Lawyers in North America have resorted to careers as charlatans, because they are too shy to litigate.
This just in: the LBGayWTF community needs another San Francisco, because it's apparently too expensive there for their Sodom and Gamora crowd.
This just in: Career criminals apparently don't understand why people with ACTUAL career plans don't want anything to do with them.
Throwback news update: Donald Trump apparently thought it was a great idea to defund the police and let serial killers out of prison. Thanks, Mr. President. Thaaaaaannnnnks. Kamala Harris wants to back up Silicon Valley serial killers on every genocidal decision they make. Greeaaaaaaaaaat..... Now, who do we vote for... We so screwed bro....
This just in: Colleges across the nation are differentiating between Western European Caucasians and Middle Eastern Caucasians on admission applications for good reason. No offense, but please stay in The Middle East, no matter which side of The Gaza Strip is your homeland. Get your region stable, before you go ANYWHERE. You guys look uncivilized to the whole damn planet. Evolve first, before venturing forth. Thank you -- don't come back.
This just in: "Elon Musk" destroyed civilization in North America. We'll have to revert back to a feudal society. RIP everybody's hopes and dreams.
News flash: no one wants to work with Silicon Valley homos ever again. Our phones will last long enough until we make new ones. No one actually needs you. *sadface* You guys did this to yourselves -- you shouldn't have been such crooks.
This just in: Openly gay homosexuals Tim Cook and Mark Zuckerberg are pretending serial killers are fans of musicians, even though they don't look like 15 year old girls to anyone on planet Earth.
This just in: Nothing has changed in four years -- I still have nothing to lose and everything to gain... If anything, my life is a little better, and I've accumulated a ridiculous amount of equity.
A wise man once said: Stop offending Earthlings, and we'll stop offending you...
This just in: politicians are too embarrassed about how old and weak af they are, so they hire people to sit on the weight machines at the gym, so no one can use them.
Public service announcement: be careful for rattlesnakes in the stormdrains...
Hopefully, my actions today have been enough to broker peace long enough to settle this ridiculous lawsuit, and people can get back to their everyday lives:
Here is a tentative final update on my daily summaries, assuming the media continues to cooperate. Then, I won't have to do their job for them anymore. :) I still update each tab and put a story on the homepage occasionally, though -- at least, until I get my settlement.
Public service announcement, regarding patrols in The Gulf of Mexico north of Corpus Christi, Texas. Hopefully, it's just a drill, folks. Gooooood morning, Vietnam...
Attention -- public service announcement about those electric heaters. Get an oil one instead. The fire hazard is real, if you have gas in your home.
1/15/24
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